Screengrab In Exile Live Blogs the Oscars

So, last year, as some of you may recall,‘s dearly departed Screengrab live blogged the Oscars, to the delight of dozens…and this year the tradition continues here in Exile, featuring Andrew Osborne (with color commentary by Amy and Dori) and potential special guest villain, Scott Von Doviak…

…STARTING NOW!!!!  (All times Tivo approximate)

6:39 PM – PRE-SHOW

Okay, so at this moment, Amy, Dori, Zuzu and I are settling in, popping popcorn and watching the red carpet.  My parents were here earlier, watching Maggie “Long-Boobs” Gyllenhaal in what seemed to be some kind of breast-feeding sling at the Independent Spirit Awards, and they just called to share the general consensus that her Oscar dress is much, much better.

Aside from that, here’s what I remember about the Spirits:  Eddie Izzard was terrible, but Anvil and the cast and crew (and families) of Precious were adorable, especially Gabby Sidibe, the single most adorable human on the planet.

Meanwhile, back in real time, Amy is really sick of the one shoulder thing, and Zoe Saldana looks like she was swallowed by a gay Smoke Monster on Lost.  (Also, Anna Kendrick is my new make-believe girlfriend.)

7:08 PM

SVD: Testing, testing. Von Doviak checking in to say I don’t do red carpet. But if this technology works, I may check in occasionally tonight. Or you can follow my live-tweeting at Same jokes either way!

7:13 PM – AO:  Greetings, Von D!  Meanwhile, Dori feels bad for poor old Mickey Rooney, hanging around near Ryan Seacrest, hoping to be noticed.

7:15 PM – Miley Cyrus exhibits bad posture in a comical girdle.

7:24 – Charlize Theron has two big weird flowery eyes on her chest, like a breast-based Muppet.

7:29 – Colin Firth appears.  Amy and Dori (simultaneously):  “Mmmmmmm…”  Amy states Mr. Firth can wear the shit out of a tux.

7:33 – Meryl Streep, apparently running late, appears in some kind of white hotel bathrobe.  Amy notes Demi Moore’s dress is unfortunately the same color as her spray-on tan.

7:40 – More evidence my new make-believe friend Gabby Sidibe is the world’s most adorable human:  “If fashion were porn, this dress would be the money shot.”  “I’m a normal person in a fantasy world.”  “This is like prom.”  And a quick fist bump with her makes even Keanu Reeves momentarily adorable.

7:56 – Switching over to ABC, Baba Wawa reassures us that even though she’s ending her Oscar specials, she’s not going anywhere.  Whew, that’s a relief.

8:05 – The ABC pre-show makes me wish we were watching The Amazing Race, which we’re currently missing over on CBS.  Go Team Hapless Detectives!

8:14 – Hey…wha?  Did anybody else just see the chick with the mohawk in the background?  And did an Oompa-Loompa just explode on Sarah Jessica Parker?  What the hell is going on?

8:21 – Tina Fey and Steve Carell have fun making fun of the bimbo guy asking them dumb questions, the only fun anyone seems to be having with these ABC interviewbots.

8:26 – Dori says Meryl Streep has better boobs than Maggie Gyllenhaal.  I agree.  And now…the actual show mercifully begins.

SVD: What product was Whoopi Goldberg advertising? Whatever it was, it made Maury need to go out for his evening poopstitutional.

8:35 – AO:  Okay, Team Somerville liked the old school opening.  NPH totally kicked Hugh Jackman’s ass.

SVD: This monologue stinks in stereo. Twice the suck!

8:50 PM – AO:  Oh, thank God they retired that thing where actors give long rambling tributes to other actors — instead, the Academy just showed the best supporting actor nominees, y’know, acting in the movies they’re nominated for…and, man, that Christoph Waltz sure is good at writing acceptance speeches, eh?  One more awards show and I understand he was going to start working in haiku.

9:00 – Hmm…Cameron Diaz slips and mentions Jude Law, who was supposed to be her co-presenter instead of Steve Carrell.  Real awkwardness or scripted awkwardness?  Either way:  awkward!  Meanwhile, Amanda Seyfried wipes the glamour floor with Miley Cyrus, as it sould be.

SVD: So what, we don’t do song performances anymore? Anyway, I think that was maybe the third best Crazy Heart song, but good for them anyway.

9:06 – AO:  T-Bone lets the other guy speak.  Unfortunately, the other guy tells his wife he loves her more than rainbows.

9:10 – Okay, so far I’m digging this year’s Oscars way more than last year’s.  I hope I didn’t just jinx it.

9:15 – Do you take advantage of the new freedoms?  Yes, Mrs. Samsky…yes, I do.  Meanwhile:  The Hurt Locker sweep (potentially) begins.

9:17 – Is Molly Ringwald about to release the Kraken?  Meanwhile, Amy mourns Jennifer Grey’s original nose.

SVD: I won’t speak ill of the dead, so I’ll just say that if you worked with John Hughes as a young person, you probably aged strangely.

9:23 – AO:  Did Ally Sheedy just say it was ironic that John Hughes wrote “when you get older, your heart dies” and not mention that the real reason the line’s ironic is because…well, you know?  And is Judd Nelson now a time-traveling fop on the trail of Jack the Ripper?

9:32 – No love for Loaf…but I like the Academy giving extra love to the short film directors (as opposed to the year the presenters just went into the audience and handed the short film nobodies their Oscars in their seats).  Also…uh…that red-haired Prudence lady’s  a charmer, eh?

9:37  – Awkward moment #2:  one live short winner droning on and on while the other keeps signaling him to hurry up…then when the second guy finally gets to speak…denied. 

9:38 – Awkward moment #3:  Stiller dressed as a Na’avi.

9:50 – Did someone just shoot Morgan Freeman with a tranquilizer dart?  Why is he tipping forward with droopy eyes during the Precious screenwriter’s speech?

SVD: Did I miss it, or did discombobulated Precious screenwriter forget to thank Sapphire? IT WAS BASED ON A NOVEL BY SAPPHIRE!!!

10:00 – AO:  Did Robin Williams just make a joke about fondling testicles before giving out the best supporting actress award?  And..uh…whoever pissed off Mo’Nique better watch out…the woman throws a mean TV.

10:09 – SJP presents Best Costume, leading to the question…what, exactly, is she dressed as?  Also:  TOM WAITS IN AN OSCAR CLIP!  WOO-HOO!!!

10:11 – Much love in Somerville for the winning costume designer’s dress.  And then…ol’ Muppet boobs is back.

10:18 – Kristen and Taylor present horror movie tribute.  Amy says, “Look, it’s the future of Hollywood:  boring and porcine.”

10:28 – Amy is very happy for Edgar Winter’s back-to-back wins in sound mixing and sound editing.

10:36 – Avatar wins best cinematography.  (Avatar had cinematography?)

10:45 – Oscar’s 7th inning stretch:  the memorial tribute.  Vaya con dios, Dom DeLuise.

10:47 – Amy doesn’t remember the big dance number in The Hurt Locker, and Dori’s certain nobody did the robot in Up

10:52 – Good speech, Best Score guy!

11:04 – Somerville needs Prozac after the Best Documentary clips.

11:07 – Does anybody else think the side close-ups they keep doing are ’70s-licious?

11:19 – And the connection between Kathy Bates and Avatar is…?  Could it be the scene in At Play In The Fields of the Lord where she dances around naked in the jungle covered in mud and shrieking?  That’s kind of like Avatar, right?

11:25 – Oh, God…it’s this whole National Honor Society induction ceremony ass-kiss-o-rama crap again…egad…and then we’ve gotta go through all this again with Best Actress…(and poor Morgan Freeman apparently hasn’t shaken off the tranquilizer dart yet…I feel his pain)…

11:33 — Wait a minute…was Morgan Freeman wearing one black glove?  What’s that all about?

11:33 — The Dude abides.

11:45 – Okay, that Gabby/Oprah moment was pretty sweet.  Also…what in the hell is Sean Penn mumbling about?

11:50 – To be honest, I wasn’t really rooting for Sandra Bullock, but that was definitely the best speech of the night.  Amy and Dori haven’t cried so much since all those dolphins got killed about an hour ago.

11:55 – Well, the time has come.  Unfortunately, not for the first black best director…sorry, Lee Daniels.  But, you go, Kathryn Bigelow!  (And Amy notes all the women screaming in the Kodak Theater.)

11:59 – Suck it, James Cameron!

12:02 — Okay…I totally screwed the pooch in my Oscar pool, but I gotta say I really enjoyed the show this year…so thanks for reading, and see you at the Governor’s Ball!


8 Responses to “Screengrab In Exile Live Blogs the Oscars”

  1. 1 Tim March 7, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    I’ve heard nothing but bad things about this Osborne person.

  2. 3 J9good March 7, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    SJP’s dress is hideous.

  3. 5 J9good March 7, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Molly Ringwald looked terrified. Or was that plastic surgery? I’m not being sarcastic, I’m really curious!

  4. 6 Rhode Island Rob March 8, 2010 at 12:39 am

    And the award for Best Thank You Speech goes to…Jeff Bridges man.

  5. 7 J9good March 8, 2010 at 12:58 am

    Seriously?? They have to play “I Am Woman” when K. Bigelow wins??

  6. 8 Rhode Island Rob March 8, 2010 at 1:05 am

    Where was Renee Zellweger tonight?

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