The Bottom Shelf: Time Travel

by Scott Von Doviak

As America’s foremost movie janitor, I get a lot of questions. Granted, most of them are along the lines of “Hey loser, how about cleaning up the sticky puddle of Dr. Pepper and jujubes in the sixth row?” At which point I have to explain I’m not that kind of movie janitor. Once I’ve given my actual job description, the question I usually get is: “Don’t you realize that every minute you spend watching these terrible movies brings you a minute closer to your own death?” Well, thanks for mentioning it, Mr. Sunshine, but as it happens, that’s not the case! You see, I have a time machine. With the simple press of a button, I can watch every single Ernest movie and all 13 chapters of Friday the 13th, and not a single second will pass in the outside world. This also explains how I am occasionally able to meet my High Hat deadlines.

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