by Andrew Osborne
Red Carpet Pre-Show:
– The consensus on Hooker Avenue is that Christina Hendricks needs a little more support. And not from Emmy voters, if you know what I mean. (Hint: I was referring to her giant boobs.)
– Amy isn’t sure why Kelly Osbourne is considered a fashion expert just because she’s thin now. I mean, uh…
– Meanwhile, the best moment on the typically dull E! red carpet show is the kid from Modern Family dressed in a pimp hat, Riverdancing.
– Best dressed: Minky Mindy Kaling’s crazy poofy hair gown (and Margulies ain’t lookin’ too shabby, neither).
– Fashion faux pas: Tracy Morgan & Craig Robinson both taking fashion cues from Isaac the Bartender.
And now…THE TOP TEN EMMY MOMENTS!
1. Jorge Garcia, Tim Gunn, Tina Fey, Jon Hamm, the Glee cast, Joel McHale, Jimmy Fallon and the inescapable Betty White kick things off in a musical pop culture supergroup featuring some of my favorite make-believe TV friends (except for, y’know, the part with Kate Gosselin).
2. The fact that the most excellent Modern Family wins the first two awards leads to a very sweet speech from Eric Stonestreet, a funny speech from one of the writers and a chance for me to post this oomphy photo of Charo:
3. Rock on, Jane Lynch!
4. We’re thinking Lauren Graham’s outfit is gonna get somebody voted off Project Runway.
5. George Clooney charms in a pre-taped Modern Family gag, then the lovely Edie Falco wins for the fine and dandy Nurse Jackie and John Hodgman theoretically says something funny, although once again we can’t hear it because they apparently gave him a Mr. Microphone instead of an actual voice amplification device.
6. A lady from Top Chef takes a header on her way up to the stage, but recovers before it gets enjoyably awkward. Then Matthew Weiner and Erin Levy win for writing one of the best TV episodes of all time and Weiner gets zapped by the play-off music, which is totally awkward.
7. Okay, so I lost money in my “Will John Lithgow make a joke about thanking HBO instead of Showtime?” office pool, because he didn’t. But fortunately, the Emmy producers picked up the slack by cutting to Lithgow when some Dexter writer thanked, y’know, Showtime.
8. Probst, on the other hand, immediately makes a joke about that whole embarrassing improvised monologue thing he did when he unwisely chose to host the Emmys with Howie Mandel and Ryan Seacrest. Also, I love love love me some award show montages and…holy shit! Betty White again?
9. Ricky Gervais kills with a Mel Gibson joke, then passes out beer. I sure wish I was at the Emmys right now. Also: “Let’s face it, we’re all Bucky Gunts here.”
10. HOLY GUNT! Betty White…AGAIN!!!!!
11. Julie Ormond gives the night’s Emmy train wreck speech to beat (even if she wasn’t joking when she refers to her Temple Grandin co-star and co-nominee as “Cathy O’…what’s-her-name…”).
12. Singer-songwriter Stool…sorry, uh, Jewel…sings the earnest but terrible memorial montage song, and Dennis Hopper wins the audience clap-off (in a photo finish with Rue McClanahan).
13. Claire Danes is much more loveable and articulate as Temple Grandin than she is as Claire Danes. And for those of you who guessed the actress playing the woman with the disability would take the Best Actress in a Movie or Miniseries category…well played. You’ve apparently seen an awards show before.
14. In tonight’s performance, the role of Temple Grandin will be played by Robert Duvall.
15. Al Pacino apparently drank some of that free Ricky Gervais beer…or maybe it’s just the mullet talking. And talking. And talking. But nobody plays off Pacino, I guess…y’know, ’cause he’s still talking…
16. …and talking…
17. Tom Selleck joins Tracy Morgan and Craig Robinson on the Love Boat. Then…Mad Men wins Best Drama!!!
18. And Modern Family wins Best Comedy…even without Betty White!
Very good! Happy Christmas!