Screengrab In Exile Live Blogs the Golden Globes!

by Andrew Osborne & Amy Jeglinski-Osborne

Welcome to the Golden Globes live blog from yours truly (and the lovely Amy “Iris Steensma” Osborne) in (relatively) real time! 

Red Carpet:

*  Amy says Natalie Portman is gorgeous and elfin and pregnant and that Nicole Kidman’s gown is perfectly adequate.

*  Helena Bonham Carter never disappoints, and seems to be preparing for a sorceress battle with Sandra Bullock’s peculiar hair.

*  Eva Longoria got back!

*  Matthew Morrison, seemingly aglow with radioactivity, will theoretically be fighting any supervillains that should happen to attack.  Meanwhile, Amy is still angry at the editors for depriving her of a full view of Julianne Moore’s gown. 

*  Amy dubs Christina Aguilera the blonde Snooki.  Also, Angelina Jolie apparently thinks she’s doing a guest spot on Dynasty.

*  Amy Adams takes the lead in Amy O.’s gown-off scoring.

*  Uh…shit gets awwwkward with Robert Pattinson and the British red carpet chick, who cuts him right the fuck off for a fast-breaking interview with…some Facebook marketing executive.

*  Halle Berry = not ugly. 

*  And Kevin Spacey = not not smarmy.

*  Actually, I wrote the above line, and then Spacey instantly makes me feel like a jerk by offering a nice, sincere tribute to deceased director George Hickenlooper.  Damn you, Keyser Soze!

*  Amy thinks Claire Danes raided the closet in Barbie’s Malibu Dream House.  Meanwhile, I wish I was sitting next to J-Love Hewitt, because she’s apparently smuggling in some chips & salsa in her bodice.

*  And apparently Anne Hathaway is guesting on Falcoln Crest.

8:00 PM — Ricky Gervais has got his beer, and I’m gonna go get some more o’ my Kraken squid ink rum.  Yep, you heard me.

8:04 PM — Tough sledding…then Ricky wins back the crowd with a Hugh Hefner penis joke.

8:09 PM — Christian Bale thanks “Quacker” and then makes with the potty mouth at Robert DeNiro.

8:11 PM — Oh, I loves me some Elisabeth Moss and she looks adorable, but you go, Katey Sagal — and you, too, producer who cut to Ed O’Neil’s big goony smile  afterwards!

8:16 PM — Amy finally sees all of Julianne Moore’s dress.  It wasn’t worth the wait.  (“It looks like she has a growth,” are the Polack’s exact words.)

8:18PM — Tom Hanks:  none too pleased at The Pacific losing to Carlos.  None too pleased at all.

8:25 — Yay, Glee kid!

8:30 — The Hollywood Foreign Press President gets up in Ricky G.’s grill. 

8:34 — Amy rewinds for another serving of Hamm.

8:35 — Hamm loses to Buscemi, consoles himself with his own face.

8:36 — Nobody in Hollywood can agree how to say “Scorcese” or “Buscemi.”  I think Marty and Steve deliberately mispronounce their names half the time just to fuck with people.

8:46 — The most excellent “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” beats the four songs that sound exactly the same as each other.  Diane Warren continues the night’s ’80s tribute by dressing like Joan Jett and seeming to be on cocaine.

8:5o PM – BRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHMMMM!!!! Inception doesn’t win best score.  Also, Trent Reznor apparently no longer fucking like animal, but instead dressing like accountant.

8:56 PM — Halee Steinfeld seems to be controlling her Bieber Fever.  In fact, she looks like she’s been saddled with her brother as her date for a junior high semi-formal.

8:58 PM — My Toy Story 3 PTSD kicks in.  Tom Hanks still looks like he’s bitching about Carlos.

8:59 – Gabby Sidibe:  riiiiiight on the verge of a nip slip.

9:03 – Amy doesn’t like Emma Stone as a blonde.  As the straight guy in the room, I must respectfully disagree.

9:04 — Five gorgeous Best Actress nominees and then — AAAH!!! — Harvey Weinstein?  What the fuck, Globes producers?  Give a guy some warning!  Then Annette Bening wins for The Kids Are Alright, and for some odd reason they cut to Jane Lynch.

9:06 – Amy…declares…Annette…Bening’s…speech…quite…Madonna-esque.  Meanwhile, we’re hoping someone has called an ambulance for Al Pacino, who seems to have tripped and smashed his face against Stallone’s.

9:11 — Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton take a break from battling the Matrix to hand a Globe to Al Pacino.

9:14 — Pacino:  stiiiiiiiiillll talking.

9:16 — Claire Danes tactfully pries herself away from a Temple Grandin over-hug.

9:27 — Facebook wins best screenplay.  Amy says, “Uch.”

9:37 — Amy and I root for I Am Love because it’s the only foreign film nominee we’ve seen.  The Danish director wins instead and says something about putting potatoes in our throats.  Somerville and Hollywood unite in bafflement.

9:40 — Steven Spielberg glowers at the Tom Hanks glower table.

9:48 — Jane Fonda has robot arms!!!!!!

9:49 — I have so much love for the ridiculousness of Burlesque (at least until I make the mistake of actually seeing it).

9:50 — More nerd victory!

9:53 — Melissa Leo wins.  Brace yourselves.

9:54 — Mark Wahlberg takes a big drink of wine during the speech.  Helena Bonham Carter looks perplexed.  But Melissa manages to stay (mostly) on the rails…and, damn, when did girlfriend get all Benjamin Buttoned?  She looks about 32 and I could’ve sworn she was 60 in The Fighter!

9:58 — Angelina Jolie applies lip gloss.

10:03 — Oh, yeah!  DeNiro used to be in good movies!

10:04 — “Thank you, Matt.  And I loved you in The Fighter.”  Good one, Bobby D!

10:06 — Amy wonders when Robert DeNiro became Henny Youngman.  Why isn’t he this funny in his comedies?

10:13 — Megan Fox alleges The Tourist is a best comedy nominee (and also that she’s still in the film business).

10:15 — Why so grim, David Fincher?  And why the mustache, Aronofsky?

10:17 — Okay…Fincher’s a lot funnier than I would’ve expected, although Amy thinks he’s evil for naming his son Felix Fincher.

10:18 — Gleeks rejoice!

10:26 — Giammatti gets bleeped.  Damn, I gotta take some lip-reading courses next year.  I’m missing all the good stuff!

10:34 — I am so bummed they’re not showing a clip from Halee Berry’s crazy stripper movie.  Instead:  Natalie Portman wins and thanks her parents while Amy wonders how two such normal looking people gave birth to someone so Portmanesque. 

10:39 — Oh, look!  It’s Ricky Gervais!  What’s he doing here?

10:39 — Tim Allen’s going to beat the shit out of Ricky Gervais in the alley outside the Beverly Hilton after the show and nobody’s going to stop him.

10:43 — Shockingly, The Kids Are Alright defeats Burlesque, Red and The Tourist.  (What, Meet the Fockers was too edgy for the nominating commitee?)

10:48 — Amy says Jesse Eisenberg no, no, no, Colin Firth yes, yes, yes (and your time will come, Franco)!

10:50 — Colin Firth = made of class.

10:52 — Amy says there are WAY too many commercials  (but the Golden Globes would’ve bleeped her full statement).

10:54 — Michael Douglas gets the “fuck cancer!” standing O.

10:54 — Mark Wahlberg is so ready to go home.

10:56 — Aaaaaaand…Facebook!

10:58 — Amy’s guessing Ricky Gervais won’t be back next year.  Not if Tim Allen has anything to say about it, anyway.

10:59 — And, in the final analysis, CZJ wins Amy’s Best Dressed award!

See you at the Oscars!


3 Responses to “Screengrab In Exile Live Blogs the Golden Globes!”

  1. 1 Von D. January 16, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    You must be the only heterosexual male in New England who was watching the Golden Globes and not the end of the Pats/Jets game. But you chose wisely.

  2. 2 screengrabx January 16, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    Golden Globes = Tits. Patriots = Ass.

  3. 3 rob mckim January 16, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    Hey, that old guy from the Fockers movies was in good movies once.

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