by Andrew Osborne
I’m not gonna lie: beyond the Bridesmaids gals and Moneyball, I don’t exactly have a passionate rooting interest in the outcome of the Oscars this year — but who cares about the actual winners anyway? The real fun of the annual Glitz Bowl is making fun of pompous bores and hideous gowns and cheering for killer Bruce Vilanch one-liners, unexpectedly lovable mother-thanking sound editors and the occasional streaker! So be sure to join me (and my lovely co-hosts Amy, Dori, Heidi, Zuzu…and possible guest villain and fellow Exiler Scott Von Doviak) around 7PM-ish Sunday for the annual Screengrab In Exile Oscar Live Blog!
Pre-Oscar Bloggage: Independent Spirit Awards
Some thoughts on the Indie Spirits:
1. John Waters should really host every year — but since that’s apparently not possible, I have to say Seth Rogen’s the best alternative they’ve had in years.
2. Last year, I was annoyed by all the people texting throughout the ceremony. This year, I’m noticing that all the actual movie stars, directors, etc. seem to be paying attention to the people on stage. It’s the non-famous agents, assistants, publicists and other Hollywood plus-ones who can’t be bothered to give a shit about where they are or what’s happening around them in the real, non-digital world.
3. Super interesting dress, Zoe Saldana!
4. Super terrible chemistry and stage presence, Benjamin Bratt & Julia Ormond!
5. This will mean nothing to anyone who didn’t watch the show, but damn: Garfunkle & Oates are goddamn adorable.
6. The Independent Spirit Awards give a toast to big-time indie producer Bingham Ray. Funny story! When he ran October Films, one of his minions loved my movie, Apocalypse Bop, and wanted to distribute it — but Bingham vetoed her and crushed my hopes & dreams! So…not toasting Der Bingle here on Hooker Avenue (although I’m sure he was a lovely man).
7. It doesn’t matter that Michelle Williams has been drop-dead gorgeous since birth and rich & famous since her teens. She’s really just a misfit like YOU, actual struggling independent misfits she just beat for Best Actress! Also, Amy thinks Fake Marilyn’s ice-blonde bob makes her look like she grew up in the Village of the Damned.
8. In general, I had a lot more rooting interest in the Independent Spirits this year and think they’ll wind up being a better awards show than the 2012 Oscars. Ah well…
Meanwhile…congrats to Adam Sandler for setting a new record for the most Razzie nominations in a single year!
4:30 PM – It’s so early, the only star on the red carpet is a monkey in a dress from The Hangover 2. Meanwhile, our red carpet panel has arrived. Amy is wearing Alfani (with So Good peacock earrings), Dori’s dressed in the New York Collection, Heidi’s in a limited edition Missoni and I’m sporting my rock t-shirt with Scorsese in the Scorpions font.
6:00 PM – I’m inoculated with Bloody Marys to withstand my annual dose of Seacrest…let’s do it! Red carpet time!
6:02 – Much love for Giuliana Ransic’s beaded gown. The Fashion Police are doing a nice job of policing themselves so far (although Amy thinks Kelly Osbourne’s dye job makes her look like Dame Edna).
6:11 – Piggy on the carpet!
6:18 – I’m hoping the hot Grammy fashion trend will carry over to the Oscars and Meryl Streep will arrive with a pope.
6:22 – Missy Pyle: drag queen name, drag queen height.
6:33 – A collective, dismayed “oooh nooo!!!” when Melissa McCarthy appears. Amy’s verdict: too much draping.
6:30 – Nothing’s wowed the group but Ransic’s gown so far. Meanwhile, Dori is distracted by the crawl at the bottom of the screen and doesn’t care that Justin Bieber likes pot stickers.
6:33 – We just realized we’re in TiVo delay! So at this point, we’re watching Wolfgang Puck and his little chocolate Oscars.
6:40 – The chick from The Artist comes dressed like an extra from Stargate. “Oh my God,” Dori gasps in horror. “That haircut…it’s all wrong,” Amy concurs.
6:49 – Amy thinks the chick from The Descendants looks like a very, very stylish sister wife. (And also that George Clooney is the best accessory.)
7:00 – Viola! Wigless! (But Amy wonders, “What’s with the red hair and ugly green dresses?”)
7:02 – Amy says, “That’s not your dress, Maya” (but approves of the weave).
7:05 – Oddly enough, Leslie Mann is one of our picks for best dressed so far. It’s that kind of night. Also, Heidi wants somebody to follow her around with a lint brush (like Diddy).
7:09 – Amy thinks white on the red carpet looks bridal. I argue Rooney Mara doesn’t look bridal. Amy counter-argues she looks outer-space bridal. I concede (although technically she looks Matrix bridal). Dori disapproves of the Olive Oyl hair.
7:13 – Octavia Spencer almost overtakes Ransic as on Somerville’s Best Dressed list. Somerville also thinks Janet McTeer is big. Like, Honeycomb big. Big big big. She’s not small. No, no, no.
7:16 – E! crawl fun fact: George Lucas and Woody Allen have both declined membership in the Academy. Also, Octavia Spencer is getting her boobs lifted. Thanks, E! crawl!
7:17 – When Ben & Matt show up on the red carpet with their Moms it’s cute. When Jonah Hill shows up with his Mom, it just seems like he couldn’t get a date. Amy blames his terrible haircut.
7:19 – “I KNEW IT!” Amy exclaims in dismay upon seeing Kristen Wiig. “SHE ALWAYS WEARS BEIGE!!!”
7:23 – The Dictator has arrived!
7:24 – Mumolo looks great!
7:25 – Heidi thinks it’s creepy that Michelle Williams only has one expression. See: Village of the Damned (above).
7:27 – The Dictator is carrying Kim Jong’s ashes. Somerville loves a gimmick. And Ryan clearly loves the fact The Dictator just dumped ashes on his tuxedo…he’s trending! (Tina Fey nails it as usual: “You’re a victim of comedy!”)
7:30 – Amy thinks J.Lo always looks like a fancy stripper.
7:31 – In retrospect, Amy thinks Kristen Wiig’s dress is more the color of an old coffee filter. And then Emma Stone jumps to first place on Somerville’s best dressed list as we switch over to the Tim Gunn coverage.
7:34 – Proud mother montage! (And Amy thinks it’s hilarious Kristen Wiig’s mother kinda sounds like the Target lady.)
7:43 – There was a dispute about Mrs. Firth’s dress. Amy & Heidi liked it, Dori and me thought it looked like there should be clam dip in the bodice.
7:47 – Heidi and I agree Nina Garcia makes herself attractive by force of will. Also, Tina Fey’s dress was black on E! and it’s plum here on the Tim Gunn channel, and Somerville likes the plum version a lot better.
7:53 – What the hell is Nick Nolte talking about?
7:54 – Heidi sees Zach Galifiniakis’ mustache and mutters “Cheetos pubes…” And then Penelope Cruz becomes a Best Dressed nominee. Current votes: Heidi votes Rooney Mara, Dori votes Penelope and Amy votes Ellie Kemper. My Mom: Octavia Spencer. Me…still waiting for Tilda Swinton.
8:03 – The ABC carpet is way more square than E! Just saying.
8:04 – Gwyneth is wearing a cape! A CAPE!!! YEAAAAHHH!!!! Also, Amy loves the cuff.
8:05 – “This is the best Glenn Close has ever looked,” says Amy, damning with faint praise. My mother thinks Glenn looks very elegant. Heidi agrees. Amy thinks Glenn looks like George Washington. “But an amazing actress,” she hastens to add.
8:12 – Amy and Heidi think Brad’s getting a little too old for the long greasy hair look. “The ’90s are over, Brad.”
8:13 – Amy flip-flops on Sandra Bullock’s outfit. Dori stands firm on liking it. Heidi and I stand firm on: yuck.
8:18 – The Muppets sing “Under Pressure” on a Google ad. My heart is warm.
8:21 – Natalie Portman looks good except for her greasy Brad Pitt-ish hair. Meanwhile, my mother asks: “Whither Meryl?”
8:23 – Somerville agrees: it’s time for Brian Grazer to comb his hair. Grazer promises so, so, so much Cirque.
8:25 – Hey, look! It’s the Motherfucker with the Hat!
8:30 – Here we go…Freeman!
8:35 – Okay, Billy Crystal as Tintin made me laugh. And creeped me the fuck out. “His face looks weird,” Amy says of the actual, real life Crystal. “Puffy,” Heidi agrees.
8:37 – Nice “Chapter 11 Theater” joke, Billy (or Vilanch). And…singing. Yep…no escape. (Sorry, totally embarrassed Scorsese daughter.) (Yes, that’s right…daughter, not granddaughter. I know. Yikes.) Meanwhile, Somerville is not impressed with the Oscar sound mix so far.
8:42 – Hooray for the groovy Hanks beard! And also made up veteran seat filler Carl Swabo!
8:43 – Hugo takes best cinematography…my parents and Heidi take a commanding lead in our Oscar pool!
8:45 – And now art direction! If they keep up this pace, we’ll be done by 9:30! Yeah, Italy!
8:47 – And then…Sheila E. drumming in the balcony, which can only be a good thing.
8:49 – An old clip of Meryl Streep prompts Heidi’s two-word review of Mama Mia!: painfully embarrassing.
8:54 – J.Lo and Cameron Diaz present Best Costume and/or are on their way to a gay wedding in Vegas.
8:57 – The best make-up montage features Glenn Close as Albert Nobbs. Amy’s review: “You look like a creepy robot!”
9:00 – The “we loved movies” montage prompts Somerville to vote that Barbra Streisand really needs a haircut (and launches speculation that Tom Cruise maybe had his nose cut).
9:06 – Nice German, Sandra Bullock!
9:07 – “Once again, the Poles are overlooked,” Amy laments as Iran takes Best Foreign Language Film.
9:08 – The Iranian director hints that it would be really uncool for the U.S. to bomb his country. Meanwhile, Max Von Sydow looks very sleepy.
9:11 – Best Supporting Actress clips are shown. Melissa McCarthy super happy the Academy didn’t pick the clip with her pooping in a sink. And then…Octavia! It takes a village to get her to the stage, but it’s adorable, she gets a standing O and my Dad moves into the lead in the Oscar pool.
9:13 – Everybody loves a choked-up nominee!
9:15 – A thumbs-up from Dori on this year’s Oscars so far. I cautiously agree, if only because Anne Hathway and Franco aren’t hosting.
9:17 – Best…Miracle Whip ad…ever.
9:21 – “If dirty little monkeys fly around the rainbow why can’t I?” Mmmmmm….Guest!
9:24 – This is gonna sound meaner than it should, but…Thelma Schoonmaker looks kinda like Admiral Akbar, right?
9:34 – Muppets! Cirque! “Hey, look! It’s two little Cary Grants!” says Amy. “Cirque de Soleil scares me,” Heidi replies.
9:38 – Holy shit…what the hell just happened? I think Heidi may have passed out.
9:43 – I’m thinking the consensus will be the Robert Downey, Jr. & Gwyneth comedy bit didn’t work. I think I’m with the consensus.
9:44 – Documentary winner drops an F-bomb! Academy retaliates with the first play-off of the evening.
9:44 – It’s the Motherfucker with the Hat!
9:47 – Chris Rock is a funny motherfucker. Also, I’ve totally gotta check out A Cat In Paris.
9:51 – Heidi says Melissa McCarthy looks better in her pink bathrobe for the comedy bit with Billy Crystal than she did in her gown. I concur.
9:57 – Amy notices Scorsese’s daughter looks bored out of her mind. And then…uh-oh…here comes Melissa Leo! Watch out!
10:01 – Melissa behaves, Plummer wins and even Max is happy for him (though maybe not Nolte). Meanwhile, Heidi digs the Plum’s velvet tux.
10:04 – It would be so awesome if they panned to the balcony band and Randy Newman was on keyboards next to Sheila E. Ah, well.
10:09 – Nolte smiles!
10:11 – Look, I know it’s uncool but I’m not gonna lie: Billy’s killing it. (In the good way.)
10:16 – Best Score guy’s married to a redhead who’s NOT wearing an ugly green dress!
10:16 – Will & Zach, also killing it. With cymbals.
10:18 – Brett!
10:20 – Uh-oh…cigarette girls passing out popcorn while French music plays. Heidi suspects another Cirque outbreak and flees.
10:25 – Amy says Angelina Jolie is a chicken lady with a beautiful face. I concur.
10:27 – Writers!
10:30 – Chicken Lady accepts on behalf of Woody Allen.
10:32 – In montage, Adam Sandler claims he’s just trying to tell the truth with his films. Personally, I can’t handle the truth of Jack & Jill.
10:35 – At the 7th Inning Stretch, my Dad is killing the Oscar pool. (In a Billy Crystal way.) And the Somerville consensus is this is a classic Oscar broadcast. Screw edgy…classic is better. (Although I’m still mad they didn’t nominate Albert Brooks.)
10:38 – This year, the Academy throws Milla Jovovich to the nerds.
10:41 – Bridesmaids!
10:43 – Oh, the wee film directors are goddamn adorable! And they thank their mum!
10:49 – The Bridesmaids keep a running Scorsese gag going from a previous awards show, which is awesome. Also, hooray to Saving Face! And nice hat, super enthusiastic short animated film winner guy!
10:50 – So, Amy and I tried to see the Oscar nominated live shorts and it was sold out. The next night, we went to a different theater and the DVD they were showing was defective. So we saw “Pentecost” and then the screening got cancelled halfway through “Raju” — so now we’re asking anyone reading this who knows the answer…what happened to poor Raju?
10:55 – DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE SCORSESE? Bored Scorsese daughter? Anyone?
10:56 – And then the one guy whose name is even harder to pronounce wins: you go, Hazanavicius!
11:00 – Heavens, Meryl…what the hell are you wearing? Aaaaaand…Oprah!
11:06 – In memoriam montage. Jokes suspended for the next few minutes.
11:10 – Okay, we’re back and that was tasteful and all…but I’m pretty sure Elizabeth Taylor would be furious that THIS is the year the departed get, like, one second apiece.
11:13 – Why does Tom Cruise look like Jerry O’Connell in all these little “I love movie” montages? Also: hey! It’s Patton Oswalt!
11:16 – Okay…I don’t need Natalie Portman explaining why the actors are so great. But they don’t have FIVE actors doing it, and they’re actually showing clips from the movies again so…yay?
11:20 – Frenchy wins! Did NOT see that coming! (Well…kinda saw it coming, but still…)
11:21 – Frenchy’s a damn charming guy. So…yay!
11:23 – “And he can dance!” says Amy.
11:24 – Colin Firth. “Mmmmmm,” says Amy.
11:29 – Whoa…whoa…whuh? Meryl? Wait…oh, shit…Viola didn’t win? Oh…uh…well…that’s nice. I mean…we love Meryl, but…uh…okay. This is nice. And Viola…uh…yeah…hang in there, lady. You’ll be back.
11:39 — Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand…The Artist! And Uggi takes the stage! We love you, Uggi! And congrats to my Dad, my Mom and my wife for winning the gold, silver and bronze in our Oscar pool! Good night!