Project Runway: The Straight Guy Perspective (Episode Four)

by Andrew Osborne

Last time, on Project Runway…

Kooan was sad.  And, lo, Kooan’s sadness made him calm down and seem a bit less icky, which in turn made me glad.

But Christopher was even more sad, because Andrea Katz Lady almost ruined his beautiful fashion dream, which in turn made him tell the judges about her wanting to go home.  And, lo, his actions left him feeling both guilty and sad.

For her part, Andrea Katz Lady said Christopher was lying about how she wanted to go home, and then to prove it she…uh…went home.

And so this week, we jump right back into the action with…Kooan looking sad and dyspeptic at the Atlas.  Oh!  I get it, they don’t know about Katz Lady’s defection yet.  But it sure will be dramatic when they…

…hmm.  Now they’re at the Michael Kors store as if nothing peculiar’s going on, which in itself is peculiar.  In fact, nobody even seems to notice Andrea’s missing until Tim shows up to officially announce that she’s gone, and THEN everyone freaks the fuck out.

Well, everyone except Elena who shrieks, “FASHION IS A SHARK THAT EATS THE WEAK!  NO MERCY!  NO PITY!  DIE!  DIE!  DIE!!!”  (or something like that…also, she seems to have aged five years since the last episode, and may evolve into a full-fledged Ring Wraith by Fashion Week).

Michael Kors pops up and confirms that fashion ain’t for sissies, then announces the Week Four challenge is to make clothing for on-the-go, versatile women who fly planes to cocktail parties.  As the designers sketch, Tim stresses how the key to the challenge is knowing the customer — and, by a happy coincidence, it turns out the designers’ customers all want exactly the sorts of clothes the designers were planning to design anyway!  Melissa’s customer wants something Goth-y!  Alicia’s customer wants something baggy!  And Buffi’s customer wants something tacky and pink with a leopard print (at which point, my wife and I can’t help but notice they’re showing an awful lot of our favorite Australian-Dubaister punkette…but that doesn’t mean anything, right?  Heh-heh…right?

Next, after watching Kooan mope around Mood for a few minutes, it’s back to the workroom, where the designers continue dissecting the Katz Lady’s departure like it’s the Kennedy assassination (and Chris fears that he may have been the secret emotional gunman on the grassy knoll who fired the fatal shot to her ego).

But Kooan would rather talk about an entirely different weak-ass puss-out, namely his own.  Tim rushes in, shocked, and everyone starts hugging and crying (except for Ven, Elena and Gunnar, who all seem to think they’re on some kind of game show or something where eliminating the competition is a good thing).

Kooan himself doesn’t seem especially interested in the ongoing attempts by Tim and the other designers to keep him alive by clapping their hands and really, really believing in him like an icky Tinkerbell, and so he beats feet out the door as if he and Katz Lady have pulled some kind of Ocean’s Eleven heist and need to get the fuck outta Dodge before the cops show up.

In the aftermath of the traumatic double departure, Tim pulls everyone together for a group hug, then brings Icky Strand (a.k.a. Raul) back into the competition…all of which is highly displeasing to Ven, who clearly just wants to get back to eliminating everyone else in the workroom.

Eventually, the designers actually get down to, y’know, designing…while Icky Strand interviews that he knew his elimination was a mistake (which is funny, since it totally wasn’t).  Meanwhile, Dmitry blows Tim’s mind with his plan for a death-defying single seam dress, and Elena goes to work on a weird, thick, grey-padded jacket, having apparently decided that her customer is a woman who trains Doberman Pinscher attack dogs for S.W.A.T.

Speaking of which, since this is “The Straight Guy Perspective” and all, can we  just pause for a moment to acknowledge how truly spectacular Elena’s tits look spilling out of her top this week?  I mean, damn.

And I guess that’s actually a good segue for another of the episode’s straight guy highlights, as the models show up for their fittings and shuck down to their skimpy underthings…all except maybe the model stuck wearing Fabio’s micro-mini hootchie skirt, who allegedly goes commando and flashes her “fish whistle” at Christopher.

Then — inspired, perhaps, by this striking vision of ladyhood — Christopher decides to repent for his treatment of Andrea (a.k.a. Ol’ Quittypants) by volunteering to make Buffi’s burgeoning headache a little bit worse via a whole bunch of unsolicited advice.  Much to the walking Margaret Keane painting’s surprise, however, his needy stalking only seems to annoy the punkette, who just wants to be left alone to resume sewing what seems like a costume for some off-Broadway stage adaptation of Pink Flamingos.  I mean, seriously, things are looking pretty bleak for Season 10’s most lovable contestant, but I’m crossing my fingers that this week’s double drop-out means there’ll be an Amazing Race style reprieve where the losing contestant survives in a last-minute twist, ‘cuz otherwise

No!  I don’t even want to think about life without Buffi, so let’s just move on to the runway, shall we?

Sonjia:  “That’s cute,” my wife says.  “I would wear that.”  Personally, I think it looks kinda wrinkly and weird, but hey, what do I know?

Alicia:  Shorts.  Ugh.  My wife likes the neckline, but nothing else:  “That’s not good for work or leisure…uch.  Elbow pads!”

Melissa’s look is great, but mostly for an on-the-go vampire from True Blood.  (“Or, I dunno, maybe a plus-size woman,” my wife suggests.)

Buffi interviews that her tacky pink and white trash monstrosity is perhaps not the best thing she’s ever made.  Buffi is correct.

Fabio likes the pattern of his outfit, but admits fish-whistle-length may not have been the best option for the hem.

Gunnar:  Dammit, why must this awful person keep making cute, interesting outfits I actually like?

Nathan figures the best thing he can say about his outfit is that it’s probably just good enough to keep him safely in the middle.  Nathan is correct.

Dmitry:  My wife really digs the exquisite detail work, while I like how it makes the model’s boobies look purty.  (Also:  one seam!!!)

Ven:   Yeah, yeah, we get it…clamshell pleats.

Raul:  “AAAH!  THAT’S AWFUL!” my wife gasps, “Just flaps everywhere…it’s one of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen!”  My wife is correct.

Elena:  The jacket looks like David Byrne’s “Why the big suit?” suit from Stop Making Sense…and then Elena flashes a big, carnivorous grin from beneath her leather biker dominatrix cap, which somehow makes the whole thing even more bizarre and unnerving.

Christopher:  The little fitted leather jacket is so great that it takes me a moment to realize the rest of the outfit is pretty great, too, and this becomes my favorite look of the episode (while my wife chamions Dmitry).

We both turn out to be wrong, though, as Sonjia takes the prize (GO BOSTON!!!) and guest judge Hayden Panettiere practically takes the dress right off the model (allegedly to wear to some unspecified red carpet event).

As for the bottom designers, Fabio and Icky Strand somehow manage to squeak by, while…

NOOOOOO!!!! It’s too painful!  Don’t make me relive it!

BUUUUFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIII!!!!

Shit.  I mean, yes, clearly she wasn’t what you’d call a “good” designer, but as Tim says in a particularly regretful farewell, she was like the unofficial host of Season Ten, and she’ll definitely be missed.

Next week:  Nina, another team challenge and gamma radiation transform Elena into Eastern Europe’s most fearsome supervillain, the Incredible Bitch!  Stay tuned!

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