by Andrew Osborne
This week, Ven has a client who’s so fat that when she sits around the workroom, she really sits around the workroom! She’s so fat that when Ven’s incredibly rude to her, she and her friend (who brought her on the show for an empowering makeover) both cry tears of gravy! In fact, she’s SO fat, she’s almost as fat as Ven’s head, ego and big fat body!
Yes, I’m jumping straight into the central plot point of Episode Six — mainly ’cause I’m heading to Los Angeles soon and don’t have time for a full recap, but also because Ven’s horror at designing for an actual (…gag…barf…) size 14 client in this week’s “real people” challenge was so nasty and relentless that even Elena thought he should take it down a notch. ELENA!!!
Indeed, Ven’s tactless, thoughtless and downright unprofessional behavior this week was egregious enough for Heidi to break out the old “we’re gonna eliminate one…or more…designers” routine after the runway show. Not that they’ve ever actually eliminated two designers in one episode as far as I can recall, but the phrase allows her to give errant contestants an extra few minutes of squirm time in hopes of teaching them a lesson. A lesson which, in this case, bounces right off Ven without making the slightest dent in his big, fat Guyanan head.
To be fair, of course, the judges themselves aren’t exactly great about making “real” people feel good about themselves, as they inform two other makeover recipients (who, until that point, felt like pretty, pretty princesses) that, in fact, they’re dressed like cheap whores on national television and everyone in the world is laughing at them. (Or words to that effect.)
Meanwhile, in the midst of all the cattiness and nastiness, Gunnar Deathmuffin reveals that (A) his Grinch heart grew three sizes that day or, more likely, (B) he and/or his peeps realized his screaming bitch persona wasn’t doing much for his future reality TV employment prospects.
Either way, Gunnar 2.0 busts out his warm, squishy side this week, inspiring tears of joy from a client as she goes from frumpy to…
As for the week’s other notable developments: Dmitry’s sad because he hasn’t won a challenge yet, and Nathan’s sweet, nerdy personality is really starting to grow on me. Spoiler alert: neither of these subplots end well.
Let’s see…anything else? Well, quickly: Fabio’s client doesn’t want to be “sexualized” and thinks femininity = weakness (a comment that scores a sour face from veddy British guest judge Alice Temperley and, I’m guessing, a speaking engagement at the upcoming Republican convention).
Oh, and also: Dmitry used to be a ballroom dancer! Somebody YouTube that shit, stat!
Anyway, on to the runway!
Nathan’s client said she wants to be an R&B singer, but my wife thinks she looks like an escort (and, as noted above, the judges totally agree).
Elena: My wife thinks it’s “Cute but boring. The top looks like it’s just made from muslin. But the model has a lot of pep and it’s flattering.”
Melissa thinks the giant crazy scarf she’s paired with her outfit overpowers the look (and it does)…not that it really matters though, since, as my wife notes, it’s just “a standard black dress, kinda boring.”
Gunnar’s model is ON FIRE. We’re talking gold medalist on Ecstasy simultaneously dancing and orgasming alongside Fatboy Slim’s Hip-Hoptopus at the London Olympic Closing Ceremonies happy. See, Ven? This is how you dress (and treat) a plus-size client! Flirty black ruffles! It’s all about flirty black ruffles! (And, y’know, not calling them fat all the time.)
Alicia: In the workroom, my wife thought this outfit looked like a soiled nightie, but it’s not quite as disastrous on the runway, mainly because the model’s cute and totally working it.
Christopher’s dress looks pretty good to me, but he’s displeased with it and happy just to middle through.
Ven’s model doesn’t look quite as bad as we feared (thanks to a pretty decent skirt), but her cartoonishly grim expression practically screams, “Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m so miserable? Here’s a hint: Ven sucks.”
Dmitry’s dress is fine, but fairly boring. It’s enough to get him into the Top Three…but no win for you!
Fabio’s modern, asymmetrically patterned dress (paired with a transformational asymmetric haircut for his client) is Absolutely Fabio-lous, and way more interesting than anything else on the runway. My wife and I are both in total agreement that it should win.
And finally, Sonjia scores one of the aformentioned Bottom Three “hootchie-mama” spots with a too-short, unflattering blecch.
Our Boston gal survives, though (as does Ven, after a fully justified but completely ineffective scolding), and in the end Fabio scores a well-deserved win and dear, sweet Nathan goes home just as I was really starting to like him.
Next week: I’m in L.A. and probably won’t be able to recap, but see you in two weeks for Episode Eight!