Andrew Osborne Recaps Survivor: Philippines

I seriously don’t know how much more of the presidential election I can take (well…okay, technically I guess I’ll be taking it for about 33 more days).  But rather than listen to more Obama/Romney sniping, I’m turning my attention to a more entertaining (and far less important) Wednesday night debate.

I’m speaking, of course, about the showdown between Boobs & Ladders, a.k.a. Angie and Russell at Matsing’s THIRD Tribal Council…but first, let’s spend a few moments with all the Survivors who don’t suck at the game, shall we?

Over on Kalabaw, Baseball Legend Jeff Kent figures out that Penner found the Hidden Immunity Idol, Penner figures out that he figured it out, and Carter figures out nothing and continues to wander around in stupid red pants.

So then Penner’s all, like, I’m gonna make an alliance with Baseball Legend Jeff Kent and he thinks he’s so smart and everything, but what he doesn’t know is B.L.J.K. gave him a four-finger handshake instead of an actual “manly” one, so their alliance totally doesn’t count!  Psyche!

And in other alliance news, RC continues to suffer the consequences of aligning with the worst human being in history when she tries to discuss strategy and Abi-Maria gets pissy at her for…well, existing, basically (since it seems Evil Charo needs all her energy to rest a knee she’s already tweested two times).

Then, much to the horror of right-thinking people everywhere, Abi finds the Tandang Hidden Idol while searching the camp with her true alliance-mate, Shady Pete (seen earlier being all skeezy with Blair in that “do what I say and I might let you live” kind of way).

Meanwhile, over on Matsing…well, they pretty much just lose their raft, ‘cuz they’re Matsing.  Waap-waaaaah.

Then it’s down to Challenge Beach, where the Survivors are required to dive from a raft to collect underwater puzzle pieces and Skupin manages to shatter his swim goggles and slice his face open because he’s a character from Final Destination.

Abi sits out because (in case you missed it before) she’s already tweested her knee — two times!  And somehow, even though Matsing’s down to just four Survivors, Angie also manages to sit out the challenge (after her built-in “flotation devices” prove completely useless while swimming to retrieve a single puzzle piece as slowly as possible).

On the plus side, however, barely participating in the challenge gives Boobsy McGee plenty of time for evaluating the efforts of her fellow tribemates…so when the Bad News Survivors inevitably lose again, she’s good ‘n ready to throw Russell under the dock for his subpar ladder climbing skills.

But then Russell goes all Dragon Slayer on the beach before Tribal, invoking not just Jesus but also his own African ancestors while harnessing the inner strength necessary to vanquish a dimwitted 20-year-old the rest of the tribe was gonna vote out anyway.  Eat it, Roots!

Stray observations:

  • No, but seriously, Russell…I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be discussing the Middle Passage and the tragedy of slavery just because you’re having a bummer day on a reality game show.
  • And, uh, what’s with asking Angie if she’s willing to put her life on the line?  It’s not  the French Resistance, dude, it’s Survivor.  If they think your life’s on the line, they airlift you out…remember?
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