by Andrew Osborne
Another year, another Oscar snub. True, I didn’t actually write, direct or act in any movies in 2012…but once again, the so-called “Academy” didn’t even bother to invite me to the ceremony. (Not even a crummy balcony seat!)
Still, watching the big show from Somerville will be almost as much fun…especially when I’m joined by my lovely wife Amy, her mother Dori (weather permitting), possible guest presenter Heidi…and introducing Merv the Wonder Cat!
So join us all back at this very post Sunday night as we watch and wise off in real time (starting on the red carpet around 7:00 PM EST)!
ARGO BLOG YOURSELF!
6:14 PM: Okay, we’re filled up with Dori’s delicious garlic shrimp asparagus bisque here in Somerville and ready to blog the red carpet! First off, Jessica Chastain! “Old school glamour,” says Dori. “I’m sick of flesh colors,” says Amy, who also doesn’t know why Kelly Osbourne gets to comment on fashion. Or anything really.
6:17: By the way, the Independent Spirit Awards were pretty enjoyable this year — except for the fact that they’re complete bullshit. Need proof? The awards for the low budget films by actual independent filmmakers (y’know, the ones not starring millionaire Hollywood movie stars and/or distributed by major studios) were handed out in some other ceremony and presented in a clip package — I’m not sure the poor unfamous bastards who won the Cassavetes and Someone to Watch awards even got invited into the big tent with Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper and all the free Jameson. Speaking of which: the very special sitcom episode Silver Linings Playbook totally cleaned up at the Spirits, because — well, stay tuned for more bitching on that subject later in the live blog.
6:29: One other Independent Spirit note: I interviewed First Screenplay winner Derek Connolly (Safety Not Guaranteed) for Rocker Magazine and he seemed like a good guy. I mention this because he gave a rambling, possibly drunken five minute acceptance speech until he was literally yanked offstage by Brian Cranston and Kerry Washington. But chin up, Derek. Sure, Matthew McConaughey mocked you on national television…but, uh, you know what they say about people who live in drunk, rambling houses.
6:32: PUPPY PURSE ALERT! Quvenzhané Wallis (henceforth “Q”) is on the carpet. Also, she is the most adorable person on the planet.
6:44: Dori hates Kerry Washington’s hair almost as much as she hates the E! Network mani-cam. “Look how flat!”
6:46: Somerville consensus: Jackie Weaver = rocking the world of age appropriate fashion.
6:48: Amy mistakes Melissa McCarthy for Adele. “That is not good.” Not sure which one she means it’s not good for.
6:49: Zoe Saldana’s dress is giving everyone here in Somerville a headache. Also, we all hate the way Kelly Osbourne says, “Beeyootiful.”
6:50: Amy thinks it looks like Amanda Seyfried is wearing dirty underwear.
6:52: Sally Field on the carpet in red. “It…uh…looks comfortable,” is the best Amy can manage.
6:53: Okay, Jennifer Lawrence is talking to Ryan Seacrest, and for future reference, we like her a lot. Also, Amy thinks it looks like she’s wearing a wedding gown (“Because she’s marrying Oscar!“). But seriously, folks…let me just get it off my chest. Silver Linings Playbook was cute…a lot better than, say, The Other Sister, but nowhere near as good as, say, Buffalo 66 (two other films about offbeat romantic pairings that came nowhere near Oscar nominations). Every character in Silver Linings has exactly one character trait, every problem was solved with sitcom efficiency, it wasn’t funny enough to be a flat-out comedy and it wasn’t edgy, realistic or truthful enough to be a drama…so, yes, let’s definitely nominate it in more major categories than the friggin’ Godfather.
7:02: Amy asks: “Is that Norah Jones or Jo Anne Worley?”
7:10: Dori thinks Jennifer Hudson looks like a giant trout.
7:17: Jane Fonda has just arrived from the series finale of Dynasty.
7:18: “Nice nipples, Anne Hathaway,” says Amy. I say the same thing, with considerably less sarcasm.
7:21: “There’s no jewel tones! Where’s the purples???” screams my wife.
7:36: Judd Apatow without beard = Judd Apatow without chin.
7:42: She’s may be a great actress, but the side-boob is totally not working for Emanuelle Riva.
7:43: Not sure why the ladies here in Somerville are groaning over Nicole Kidman’s cool dress. (“I don’t understand it,” explains Dori.)
7:46: Jennifer Garner arrives. “Finally, a jewel tone!” Amy exclaims, before admitting the dress is kinda boring.
8:01: We just switched over from E! to the ABC red carpet and…AAAHH!!! Kristen Chenowith’s face looks like the voodoo doll from Trilogy of Terror!
8:04: And now Kristen Chenowith looks like Dobby the CGI house elf standing next to Adele as Hagrid …are they about to announce Best Special Effects?
8:07: I’m apparently having an LSD flashback. I hear Kristen Chenowith’s little fly voice coming out of Sandra Bullock’s mouth while the voice of the guy interviewing her echoes through my third eye.
8:20: The littlest Chenowith says the stars are taking their seats, I’ve printed out everyone’s picks in the Somerville’s Oscar pool and handed them over to Dori (our own private PriceWaterhouse accountant) and we’re bracing ourselves for a big faceful of Seth MacFarlane!
8:23: “Renee Zellweger always looks like somebody beat her up,” Dori says, recoiling. “She doesn’t look healthy,” Amy confirms, sadly shaking her head.
8:25: Apparently three Chenowiths equals 1 kiloLatifah.
8:26: “LET THE SKYYYYFALLLLLLL, LET IT TUUUUUMBLE!!!” Somerville busts out in unison, apropos of Oscars.
8:31: Okay, Seth MacFarlane made Tommy Lee Jones laugh. So far so good.
8:33: Anybody else notice that Roman Coppola looks like Charlie Sheen in his fat suit from the end of Being John Malkovich?
8:34: Seth tells a Don Cheadle slave joke, followed by a Django joke (“Nice segue!” says Amy) followed by a Mel Gibson joke and general discomfort in the Kodak theater. Then my LSD flashback returns me to that Rob Lowe/Snow White/Pee-Wee Herman-getting-attacked by Robocop Oscars of my youth as Captain Kirk descends on a video screen to pre-emptively declare MacFarlane the worst host ever, Seth sings about boobs, Channing Tatum dances in a 30s musical with Charlize Theron. (“I hate her!” Amy screams, “She can do anything!”) and sock puppets reenact Flight. I have to say I’m totally loving this — but if Seth gets a good review, everyone owes David Letterman a total apology.
8:43: So…Seth MacFarlane sure likes singin’ and dancin’, eh?
8:46: Seth knows he’s not hosting the Tonys, right?
8:47: But, okay, the Smokey and the Bandit joke was funny. And now: Octavia Spenser to present Best Supporting Actor! (“She looks pretty,” Amy coos.) And…wait! Actual clips from the movies? I gotta say, I’m digging the 85th Oscars so far.
8:50: Christoph Waltz wins Best Supporting Actor? I love that crazy Austrian! And nobody’s ahead in the Oscar poll as of now! Meanwhile: “I think I like Samuel Jackson’s smoking jacket,” Amy decides. “But why are they playing the theme to E.T.?”
8:55: Holy shit! Was O.G. Eric Jacobson just at the Oscars with the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles? Stay tuned!
8:57: Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy drunkenly present Best Animated Short, which…Paperman!
8:59: Awwww…the winner for Brave’s in a kilt! That’s almost as cute as Q’s puppy purse. (Though his wife’s dress…not so good, says Amy.)
9:06: Five of the Avengers show up in formal-wear to present Best Cinematography to a Terry Gilliam impersonator in a silver fright wig for Life of Pi, totally nailing down the coveted teen demographic for tonight’s broadcast.
9:09: Seriously, this is the stonedest Oscars since at least 1988.
9:12: Wait…the Jaws theme is the play-off music in a reality show competition to get your speech out before Nicole Kidman makes a sad face at you? They’re actually showing clips from the nominated movies? Even the animated shorts? And Amy’s ahead in the Oscar pool? Now I know I’m tripping.
9:23: And just as I’m coming down from my lysergic buzz…BOND TRIBUTE!!!!
9:25: I think I need a cigarette after that montage. And you talk it, Shirley Bassey…talk it!
9:28: “Follow that, Barbra!” Amy sneers.
9:34: Short film guy just thanked his Mom. An hour south in Middleboro, my own mother wipes away a tear. Then Incocente wins and a homeless girl finds herself on the stage of the Oscars as her director reminds everyone to support artists in our society. An hour south in Middleboro, my mother wipes a tear from her other eye.
9:43: You know how most Oscar hosts usually show up at the beginning, a couple of times in the middle and at the end? Seth MacFarlane is not one of those hosts.
9:50: That’s a whole lotta geometric cheekbones, Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain. Also, Amour wins Best Foreign Film, to the surprise of no one in my Oscar pool.
9:53: Seth introduces John Travolta (“…and his bad, bad wig,” says Amy).
9:55: Chicago tribute egregiously omits John C. Reilly. Also, Catherine Zeta-Jones is totally lip-synching (and also lip-dancing).
9:58: Jennifer Hudson want us to know she is totally not lip-synching, motherfucker.
9:59: Jennifer Hudson apparently woke up Jack Nicholson. (“I just love him,” says Dori and every other woman in America as Hugh Jackman gets his sing on. Also, this is the best Tony awards broadcast in years.)
10:04: Russell Crowe in Les Miserables medley engenders disorienting sensation of liking Russell Crowe.
10:16: TIE! (In Sound Editing…fingers crossed for a tie in Best Director!) — also, the Zero Dark Thirty sound editing guy is totally adorable and long-haired, while the sound editing guy from Skyfall looks more like Dave “Gruber” Allen than one of the Die Hard terrorists.
10:22: We’re rooting against you, Anne Hathaway!
10:23: Ah, well. Look at them headlights!
10:24: Remember Amanda from Survivor? Anne Hathaway is totally Amanda from Survivor.
10:27: A little social media convergence: Amy asked our friend Heidi why all the tech nerd nominees are so hairy. Heidi’s crowd-sourced answer from Facebook is: “To muffle the sound of people laughing at them.”
10:35: Harvey Weinstein totally photo-bombs Academy president Hawk Koch.
10:37: Sandra Bullock looks like a Gelfling with alarmingly straight hair.
10:39: I just noticed Ben Affleck still has his Argo beard. Jennifer Lawrence’s dress is comically ginormous. And now…Adele.
10:40: Wait…does anyone else think Adele is singing in kind of a Marlene Dietrich German accent? And is that Eric Jacobson singing behind her? And are any of the other nominated films gonna get performed, or just the only one that’s awesome that’s totally gonna win?
10:46: From Heidi: Kidman – did her boobs get bigger or is it just the dress?
10:51: Kristen Stewart has no idea how to walk in a dress. (“She’s a dirtbag,” says Amy.)
10:53: “I love my wife, Adele” says the production design winner. WHAT? Oh…oh, wait…different Adele. Okay. Also…Salma Hayek SO SO SO would rather be home in bed nursing her cold. Feel better, phlegmy Salma Hayek!
10:55: Wow…Hal Needham’s way weirder looking than I pictured him.
10:57: ABC fucks up the intro on the memoriam, and it’s an especially sad crop this year. Durning! Klug! Yauch! And all the rest…you’ll be missed. Even you, Nora Ephron…even though you wrote You’ve Got Mail, which totally sucked.
11:02: So who wins the In Memoriam? Marvin Hamlisch, of course, because Barbra sings “The Way We Were,” with creepy long blonde hair. (“She could be one of the tech nominees,” says Amy, “and also, Shirley Bassey totally kicked her ass.”
11:05: While my instincts tell me to hate Seth MacFarlane, I have to admit this is a pretty damn entertaining Oscars broadcast.
11:13: The Academy plays the song we’re all going to hear as we die from global warming. Then another song or two by non-famous people. Then Norah-Anne Worley sings something, and then…Adele clutches an Oscar and gets weepy and thanks Broccoli!
11:22: Scott Von D informs me Kristen Stewart arrived at the Oscars on crutches…which somehow doesn’t make me feel bad about making fun of her earlier, because, y’know, she sucks.
11:25: Wow…Harvey Weinstein has bulging BACK NECK FAT. That’s quite a commitment to fatness, Harvey Weinstein.
11:34: Wait…WHAT? Ang Lee won Best Director? I…uh…wow…I don’t even know what to think about that. But, uh…well, he seems like a very nice man and the movie looks lovely, but…uh, really? Ang Lee? Well. Huh. Hmm. Also, uh…doesn’t this show usually end at 11:30?
11:40: Kristen Stewart looks tired. (“Or stoned,” says Amy.)
11:42: BEAST IT! Oh, how I love the Q.
11:43: But, nevertheless, Jennifer wins her pre-ordained Oscar and thanks the women in her category…but not THE LITTLE GIRLS, like, y’know…Q!!!!
11:48: But is Denzel drunk now?
11:48: Three Oscars. Hugging Meryl Streep. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Daniel Day Lewis — who, annoyingly, is awesome and lovely and super-talented and cool, so you can’t even hate him for being such an obvious winner every time he’s nominated. (AND THEN HE EVEN THINKS HIS DEAD MOTHER…DAMN YOU, DAY LEWIS!!!!)
11:53: AAAAAAH!!! JACK NICHOLSON INTRODUCES MICHELLE OBAMA INTRODUCING BEST PICTURE WHILE SUPPORTING THE ARTS???? DON’T YOU KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE MY MOTHER EXPLODE IN JOY????
11:55: And then…ARGO!!! (And, not only that, but my mother and father TIED for the Oscar pool! Which is kinda awesome, because my father always CRUSHES the Oscar pool, but my mother is usually LAST PLACE, and tonight she WON! So…damn! Also, the non-movie star Argo producer is adorable. Ben Affleck is also adorable and making my mother’s head explode.
12:01: Somehow the Oscars aren’t over yet, but thank you! Good night!
12:02: Oscars…still going! Li’l Chenowith…singing! Me…sleeping! Good night again!