2014 Oscar Live Blog!

6:47 PM – Rather than watching Oscar coverage from 8:00 AM on, my wife (Amy) and mother-in-law (Dori) and I actually went out for a lovely Oscar dinner at Toscano in Harvard Square, so we’re only just getting to the red carpet now…JUST in time to see Lupita N’yongo’s stylist blasting a hair dryer up her skirt or something.  She looks like a pretty, pretty princess in blue, but the dress isn’t as much of a knock-out as her red science fiction cape thing from the Golden Globes.  In other news, Anna Kendrick gets a thumbs up and Dori’s response to Pharrell’s Little Lord Fauntleroy shortpants is, and I quote:  “What an asshole.”  Which means we’re officially off and running for Oscars 2014!

6:54 PM – By the way, tonight’s drinking game:  take a shot every time SQUIBB!

6:57 – Dicky Links on the carpet with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy.  “That dress makes her look fat,” sighs Amy.  “She never gets it right.”  “Her boobs look bony and baggy at the same time,” Dori agrees.

6:58 – Amy’s verklempt over “beautiful Jack Huston…I thought he was gorgeous with half a face on Boardwalk Empire.”

7:02 – Lupita makes her fingers into a scary tarantula for the mani-cam, which is the 2nd best thing you can do besides just flipping it off.

7:03 – SQUIBB!  Also, Naomi Watts looks like she’s wearing a lint screen.

7:04 – FULL SQUIBB!  And her gown is age appropri-dorable!

7:05 – Hey, look!  There’s Jared Leto, WHO TOTALLY HAS SEX WITH WOMEN, LIKE, ALL THE TIME (as he mentioned at the Independent Spirit Awards, because RAYON WAS JUST A CHARACTER, YO!  (Y’know, uh, in case you were wondering.)

7:15 – Amy doesn’t believe Kevin Spacey’s lying “hair”.

7:16 – My wife just gave me caviar and garlic cheese on a cracker.  We’re fancy.

7:18 –  “That’s a very Bette Midler dress,” is the kindest thing Amy can say about Bette Midler’s dress.

7:20 – Sally Hawkins looks like a Precious Moments tchotchke (and may also be drunk).

7:28 – Matthew McConaughey’s mom has a much more stylish dress than his wife, who looks like she came dressed as Joan Collins at the 1988 People’s Choice Awards.

7:30 – Jennifer Lawrence trips on her gown once again.  Amy’s not buying it.  “It’s just her schtick now.”

7:35 – Amy thinks Lupita’s best dressed so far, but me and Dori are still diggin’ Anna Kendrick.

7:44 – “STOP TALKING!” Amy yells at the E! correspondents.  “WE WANT TO SEE CELEBRITIES!”  Officially switching to ABC now.  Also no red carpet.  Why no red carpet?

7:38 – Dammit, E!  Why are you doing a round table discussion of fashion instead of showing us the actual red carpet?

7:51 – Okay, after jumping back and forth, we’ve settled on ABC, which is actually covering the red carpet and…oh, dammit!  It’s a video tribute to American Hustle.  Why no red carpet????

7:54:  Jared Leto and his totally heterosexual hair appears again.  “WASH IT!” says Dori.

7:55 – Amy thinks Sandra Bullock looks uncomfortable and Emma Watson’s wearing some kind of weird sweatshirt gown.

8:00 – Amy’s happy Jonah Hill is getting fat again.  He’s the white Oprah.

8:02 – Lupita actually helped to design her gown.  Apparently she’s gonna win an Oscar AND Project Runway.

8:03:  “That peplum makes her look fat,” Amy says of Julia Roberts.  “Awful, awful,” seconds Dori.  “Who did this to you?”

8:05 – Bill Ghostbustin’ Ass Murray!  In a tux!

8:06 – Was that Angelina Jolie in the horrible booby dress a few minutes ago, or did I hallucinate that?

8:15 – We all may have just hallucinated a glimpse of Lady Gaga as well.  “What the hell is she doing there?” Amy asks.  I have no answer.

8:30 – Here we go!  Nice gown, Ellen!  (Also, Amy does not miss Seth MacFarlane.)

8:31 – SQUIBB!

8:32 – “Who’s the wine captain now?”  Nice one, Ellen.  Also, hello real Captain Phillips and Philomena!  And, uh, Liza Minnelli really, really didn’t like that Liza Minnelli impersonator joke.

8:34 – John Travolta’s hair is also lying to me.

8:37 – Ellen jokes that Jared Leto looks pretty and he looks at the camera like, “Ha, funny joke, but everybody knows I’m totally straight, right?”

8:39 – Wait…did anyone get that Jonah Hill joke?  Can somebody please explain it to me in the comments section?

8:40 – Hey, that disco ball looks like Anne Hathaway!

8:42 – Apparently it’s pronounced Lehto, not Leeto…oh, and the straight guy won!

8:44 – Okay, Jared’s saying nice things about his adorable mom, so we forgive your greasy hair.

8:48 – “Oh yeah!  Where’s he been?” Dori says as Jim Carrey does a scary impression of Bruce Dern and salutes animation.

8:50 – Welcome back, Pharrell’s goofy hat!  Also, Pharrell dancing with Lupita is adorbz.

8:53 – This song “Happy”?  It is appropriately titled.

8:59 – Unsurprisingly, the Best Costume winner has a great dress.

9:00 – Best makeup announced…GO JACKASS BAD GRANDPA!

9:01 – Jackass wuz robbed!

9:11 – Kim Novak’s wearing a Kim Novak mask that makes it hard for her to read the TelePrompter.  Also, why exactly is Kim Novak announcing Best Animated Short?

9:14 – Kim Novak admits her face is frozen.  Or…oh, no, wait…she just announced Best Animated Feature.

9:17 – Great dress, Sally Field!  “She doesn’t age!” Amy exclaims.  “Neck,” counters Dori.

9:18 – I loves me an Oscars montage.

9:23 – First big upset of the evening…Gravity wins best special effects!  Who’d a thunk?

9:24 – So Zac Efron’s still famous enough to present at the Oscars?

9:24 – The song from Her sounds exactly like what I imagine Her is like.  That is not a compliment.

9:32 – “Helium” looks very nice and sad.  You go, short live films!

9:33 – “Music Saved My Life” wins best short doc.  I can hear my mother cheering all the way from Middleboro.

9:38 – Best Documentary Feature:  Bummer, Bummer, Bummer, Bummer, Darlene Love.  Was the winner ever in doubt?

9:41 – SQUIBB!

9:42 – Angela Lansbury:  now that’s how a woman’s supposed to age, Kim Novak.

9:55 – Bono is very good at being a rock star, even though Sting already wrote U2’s nominated song from Mandela back when it was called “If You Love Somebody Set Them Free”.

10:04 – You gotta love an organization that hands out trophies for figuring out safer ways to flip cars through the air.

10:08 – I could seriously watch Sandra Bullock float around in her underpants all night.

10.11 – Christoph Waltz…so happy to be there!

10:13 – SQUIBB!!!

10:14 – But, of course, we’re also happy for Lupita, who sometime tomorrow will look back on this magical evening and say, “Wait…what was that whole thing with Liza Minnelli hugging me?  Did that actually happen?”

10:23 – Amy’s concerned that Kerry Washington never actually got her slice of pizza.  And she’s hungry for two!

10:27 – Bill Murray buries the hatchet with a shout-out to Harold Ramis before announcing Best Cinematography.

10:29 – Why is Gaby Sidibe dressed as Grimace?

10:36 – Uh, sure, Wizard of Oz…why not?

10:37 – Hey, I just noticed…Pink and Brad Pitt have the same haircut!

10:43 – Another heroes montage, announced by Chris Evans, who’s probably some kind of actor…right?

10:53 – The ever-terrifying Glenn Close appears as this year’s Grim Reaper to remind us a LOT of people passed away since the last Oscar ceremony (and, yes, Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins the coveted final spot in the montage).  Also, Amy thinks Bette Midler should have reinforced the theme of the evening by eating a big hero sandwich.

11:05 – “I guess Goldie’s just gonna keep that hairstyle ’til she dies,” Amy sighs.

11:09 – John Travolta introduces renowned Idina Menzel impersonator, Adelle Monzin.

11:17 – The best song winners are goddamn adorable.

11:40 – It’s a real old school Oscar ceremony tonight (i.e., it’s 11:40 PM and there are still three categories to go).

11:46 – That guy gets to be married to Cate Blanchett?  Nice job, average looking husband!

11:49 – Bruce Dern looks tired.

11:51 – The McConaissance continues.  Awright, awright, awright.

11:58 – 12 Years A Slave wins Best Picture after what seems like 12 years watching the Oscars (ta-dump dump!).  No, but seriously, that was the right choice.

12:00 – What’s more adorable:  Steve McQueen’s mother waving from literally the last row of the theater or Steve McQueen doing the happy dance?

12:01 – And Amy wins the Oscar pool!  Good night!