by Andrew Osborne, et al.
Watch this space (and @NewBaitShop on the Twit) for Oscar Red Carpet & Awards badinage and repartee from yours truly, Amy Jeglinski-Osborne, Heidi Cron, Merv Jeglinski-Osborne, special cyberspace guests, and maybe even…YOU!
5:44 PM – Since all the snow in the world is currently in New England, there’s no parking in our neighborhood, which means it’s just Amy, Merv and me on the couch here on Hooker Avenue, with the rest of the world checking in electronically. Amy’s currently predicting that Marion Cotillard will win the Red Carpet…and she also thinks Anna Kendrick’s already out of the competition with a pretty dress…pretty boring.
6:15 PM – While we’re waiting for the Red Carpet to really start jumping…congratulations to David Zellner for his Best Director nomination at the Independent Spirit Awards. I’ve been a fan of the films he and his brother, Nathan, make in Austin, since their first feature, Plastic Utopia — a movie so entertaining (and, frankly, insane) that I even managed to enjoy it during a screening at an incompetently run film festival in Austin, TX featuring an ancient projector that kept breaking down in the back of a bar with blaring Melrose Place trivia in the front.
6.17 PM – will.i.am is dressed as a train conductor for some reason, while Amy thinks Lorelei Linklater looks great…but only since she’s 20, ’cause the dress is a train wreck.
6:27 – Giuliana Ransic believes things are gonna be picking up on the red carpet any moment. And Amy believes there’s already way too much beading on the carpet.
6:28 – “Who’s this lady they’re showing on the carpet now?” I ask. “Exactly,” says Amy. But Giuliana swears the carpet’s gonna heat up any minute now!
6:31 – Ugh. Giuliana’s just warned…I mean informed me that Lady Gaga’s somehow involved with the Oscars tonight.
6:36 – The lady I don’t know is named Margot Robbie and she claims she’s “presenting” — my guess is she’s the pretty lady they toss to the nerds for this year’s technical awards.
6:40 – Dakota Johnson took a flogger from the set of 50 Shades of Grey, and if there’s any other interesting thing about her please let me know.
6:44 – Cotillard arrives…Amy likes the dress, but thinks maybe Frenchy’s not gonna win the carpet after all.
6:53 – Amy thinks Michael Keaton’s got a purty mouth.
6:57 – Kelly Osbourne thinks Marion Cotillard’s dress is a grower not a shower.
7:01 – God is crying on the Oscars.
7:06 – Zoe Saldana has a front fin.
7:07 – The closer you get to Lupita’s dress, the better it gets.
7:08 – Rosamund Pike looks like an Art Deco lamp, in the good way.
7:16 – Julianne Moore’s wearing an “I’m gonna win” dress.
7:17 – Khloe Kardashian tells Giuliana about being in a car wreck while looking like a train wreck.
7:19 – Why is Khloe Kardashian still on my television?
7:20 – Your breasts deserve better than that bodice, Kerry Washington.
7:23 – Joan Collins as the Queen Mum? Am I actually going to have to start watching The Royals?
7:28 – Naomi Watts made a fritatta.
7:33 – Kelly Osbourne got rained on a little, reacts like she survived having her hand trapped by a boulder for 127 Hours.
7:37 – Most boring red carpet ever? Discuss.
7:42 – Felicity Jones, 50 shades of battleship grey.
7:54 – Reese Witherspoon’s cleavage has been redacted.
7:55 – Why so frumpy, Viola Davis?
8:00 – How now, brown Gwyneth Paltrow?
8:03 – Emma Stone’s dress = mossy. Emma Stone’s mama = adorbz.
8:04 – Ethan Hawke seems to be wearing make-up from a high school production of Our Town.
8:16 – I’ve never been happier to see Lady Gaga in a ridiculous outfit.
8:19 – Gaga’s apparently expecting to pull a lot of hot objects from ovens tonight.
8:31 – At last, the Oscars reach out to the gay demographic with a fabulous musical opening number! (But don’t worry, straight guys…look, it’s Jack Black!)
8:37 – Nice disappearing chorus line trick, NPH!
8:42 – And the Actor goes to…J.K. Simmons! Congrats (and everyone in America’s still tied in their Oscar pools).
8:45 – Nice “We are Farmer’s” joke, NPH!
8:47 – Aww…Lobby Boy looks nice in his tux!
8:50 – Dakota Johnson…sooooo dull!
8:51 – Maroon 5 performs. “Bathroom break,” says Amy.
8:58 – As always, the Best Costume winner has an insanely great outfit.
9:02 – Nice Dick Smith shout out from the Best Makeup winner.
9:10 – Poland wins Best Film. Amy Jeglinski-Osborne does the happy dance.
9.12 – The Polish director magically outtalks the “stop talking” music. Also, he is awesome.
9:13 – Is Shirley MacLaine dressed as Liza Minnelli or does Liza Minnelli always dress like Shirley MacLaine?
9:17 – Tegan and Sara and The Lonely Island…together at last!
9:18 – There is a LOT happening on the stage right now. Either that or I’ve just had a stroke. Everything is awesome!
9:26 – The adorable Cockneys who won Best Short pull a J-Law tripping their way up to the stage, and then they give the best speech of the night, with plenty of love for the mums.
9:28 – Cut to John Travolta in the audience, wearing his most formal Oscars wig.
9:30 – God bless you, Best Short Doc winner…but why are you wearing a gown made of cat toys?
9:31 – I was gonna feel bad about the last joke after Cat Toy mentioned her son who killed himself…but then NHP said “it took balls to where that dress” two seconds later, so I guess we’re all good.
9:32 – Sorry, Viola Davis,but you look bad on every level.
9:34 – When did Harry Belafonte become Bane?
9:36 – The song Glen Campbell wrote to his loved ones before succumbing to Alzheimer’s is beautiful and, my God, what a hellacious bummer.
9:43 – They did a similar Birdman drumming/Whiplash drumming joke during the Independent Spirit Awards, but…still funny, naked NPH.
9:45 – I’m bombing in my Oscar pool, but I totally called Margot Robbie as the pretty girl tossed to the technical awards nerds.
9:49 – Okay, as we hit the sound mixing and editing awards, lemme just say I’m digging this edition of the Academy Awards, because they’re spending the available time on the things I like best: clips from the nominated films and plenty of time for the winners to speak.
9:52 – Amy thinks Jared Leto just needs a red bowtie to complete his Pee-Wee Herman costume.
9:54 – You go, Patty Arq! (And I loves me a political Oscar speech.)
10:07 – The SFX winning Brits are are hoping their Oscars come with booze.
10:09 – All the nominated animated shorts look awesome, but the winner, of course, is about an adorable dog eating waffles.
10:18 – Oh, right! The Sony hack! Can’t believe this is the first time they’re mentioning it.
10:20 – Before I forget: Octavia Spencer is awesome.
10:25 – That is not a good dress, Chastaine.
10:26 – Okay, it should be mentioned that using famous movie songs as bumper music is a nice touch, Oscar producers (especially the theme from Caddyshack).
10:30 – Hoo-boy…this year’s In Memoriam’s gonna be a bigger bummer than the Glen Campbell song.
10:36 – Actually…that was kind of a generic, underwhelming Memoriam segment, but maybe too many amazing people died in one year to deal with them all. Still…I’d have preferred some clips to a boring Jennifer Hudson song.
10:47 – The Best Editor guy is married to a Gelfling, Ben Affleck is bored, and Terrence Howard is way too emotional about the Best Picture nominations he’s announcing.
10:52 – Correct pronunciations of David Oyelowo’s name are running about 40-60 tonight, and Anna Duvernay looks totes fierce in the audience.
11:00 – No offense, Common, but not everything needs rapping.
11:02 – The standing ovation for “Glory” is nice, Academy…but some additional nominations for Selma would have been nicer.
11:04 – Idina Menzel presenting with John Travolta = well played, Oscars.
11:08 – Hellz yeah, Common & John Legend.
11:14 – Amy says, “And now from something very black to something very white.”
11:17 – Uh, wha…what is happening right now? (“She just looks crazy,” says Amy of Gaga as The Sound of Music medley continues, inexplicably, to happen.)
11:21 – Three words I never expected to hear Julie Andrews say: “Dear Lady Gaga…”
11:23 – Desplat!
11:30 – Ladies and gentlemen, the no longer interesting Eddie Murphy!
11:32 – Amy loves Michael Keaton, but she’s not digging the gum chewing, dude. Also, bonus points to Alejandro González Iñárritu for FAMILY TIME!
11:35 – Great speech, Imitation Game writer!
11:45 – Gotta say, I was pulling for Dicky Links, but no problem with Alejandro in his tighty-whities taking Best Director.
11:52 – And I was pulling for Michael Keaton, but the Academy loves a stricken character and it’s hard to begrudge Redmayne.
11:54 – I sure hope that scuzzy beard’s for a role, McConaughey.
11:57 – Congrats, Red!
12:06 – Birdman‘s the big winner, Alejandro gets one more political statement into the broadcast, Amy wins the Oscar pool, …and good night!