Project Runway: The Straight Guy Perspective (S14, Episode Four)

by Andrew Osborne

SWATCH!!!

Yes, this week, the season kicked into gear for reals with our first trip to Mood, our first glimpse of America’s favorite gaynine schmatta mascot, and the official crowning of the workroom’s most hissable villain…

…but first, there’s a little day-after Pistachio bashing and some “casual” on-camera banter at the Fashion Flophouse before the designers head down to yet another dock to meet ebulliently brand-tastic Mary Kay Global Makeup Artist Luis Casco (who we ALL know, according to Tim, so it must be true).

While the Manhattan skyline postcards in the background, Mary Kay Global Makeup Artist Luis Casco breathlessly explains the latest challenge, which involves designing an outfit inspired by Mary Kay lipstick inspired by iconic New York fashion.  Or  something like that…I was actually a little hazy on the details, as are most of the designers as they head off to sketch with uniformly puzzled expressions.

Indeed, Blake’s so confused that he can’t even figure out how much time they’ve got for the challenge (after letting it slip that he literally can’t tell time, a.k.a., #119 on the ever-growing list of reasons why Blake is horrible).

The Vampire Cuoco isn’t buying his “aw shucks” hapless act, though, saying, “It’s not adorable to pretend to be dumb.”  Then (glancing over at manic pixie nightmare Perna’s latest panicky phumphering over her design) notes, “Amanda worries too much about everything.”

In other words, this is the episode where I officially renounce my former dislike of Cuoco, Mistress of the Dark, and embrace her as Season 14’s unlikely deadpan voice of reason.  (Though, to be fair, it does seem kinda uncool that she’s apparently feeding on her fellow designers — at least I think that’s what’s happening, considering Gabby looks so pale and lifeless this week I can only imagine she’s down to her last pint of blood.)

Elsewhere in the workroom, meanwhile, Edmond utters the phrase “zip-up jumpsuit” — three words that don’t exactly fill me with confidence about his upcoming look.

Then Blake starts trash-talking Lindsey because he imagines her customer reads books.  Because Blake is dumb.  (And also:  don’t make me start liking Lindsey, Blake!)

Oh, and for those keeping score at home, #120 on the list of annoying things about Blake: he says “eggs-ecute” instead of “execute”.

And #87 on the list of annoying things about Jake:  he calls Blake “Blakerson.”  Ugh.

As for the rest of the contestants, nobody really seems to have much confidence in any of the looks they’re seeing around the workroom (including their own) — though based on the editing, it seems none of them need to worry too much, since nearly all of the camera time this week is going to icky, insufferable Blake, Perna (who’s right on the verge of going fashion postal)…

…and Gabby, who returns to the workroom the next day mumbling that she has a lot to do before the runway show (though a blood transfusion and refilling her Prozac prescription should clearly get bumped to the top of the list).

Speaking of blood, Blake injures himself with a needle and, being a good person, I try not to enjoy it too much (while Cuoco the Impaler restrains herself from lapping up his dark plasma — partly because it’s undoubtedly tainted with douche juice, but mostly because she’s clearly already gorged herself on Gabby).

Finally, it’s runway time, and my wife, Amy, can only gape in wonder at guest judge Kiernan Shipka, marveling, “She’s never gone through an awkward phase!”

Blake starts off with a black dress trailing some kind of insectoid blue egg sac.  “Uch, that’s so hideous,” Amy gags.

Boston Kelly follows with a see-through New Wave combo.  “That’s something Wham! could wear,” my wife says.  “And I mean that as a compliment.”

They’re followed by…

Joseph:  Black, peplum…middle.

Lindsey:  A two-piece under a giant red coat.  Seems pretty and comfortable (and probably middle-worthy).

Ashley’s look is cute, but “like a prom dress” according to Amy.

Laurie’s outfit is like one of Melanie Griffith’s character’s early attempts at office appropriate attire in Working Girl if the costume later gained 300 pounds, then had lap-band surgery and slimmed down but still had lots of loose fabric hanging off it.

Jake says his look is for “a very specific person.”  A very specific cocktail waitress.

Perna contributes a white dress with a patterned dress seemingly sewed on top of it.  “That looks like maternity wear,” Amy says, beating Heidi to the punch.

Swapnil’s gown looks like black lacy Venetian blinds opened nearly all the way up…to the model’s crotch.  Not good.

Merline’s outfit is shiny cream and gold with a batshit crazy black coat on top, and I totally dig it.

Gabby’s look is clearly a cry for help.  It’s basically a suicide note in the form of an incredibly depressing, half-assed skirt and jacket.

If I recall correctly, I think Cuoco Lugosi mentioned something about buying “vegan leather” earlier at Mood, which she’s fashioned into a slick bondage ensemble straight outta The Hunger.  Naturally, I love it.

And Edmond wraps things up with yet another New Wave-y look, prompting my wife to remark that nearly all the models this week are dressed as ’80s prostitutes.

In fact, the ’80s are evoked so strongly that the judges evidently decide to revisit the Reagan-era War on Drugs by firing up their crack pipes and voting Blake’s godawful blue plumage monstrosity as the winning look of the week — meaning we’re stuck with the repulsive little twink for at least two more episodes.

But then, once the crack smoke clears and everyone sobers up, Heidi gives a well-deserved auf Wiedersehen to Gabby…

…who barely reacts, given that she’d already passed over to the world of the undead about halfway through the episode.

Anyway, that’s all for now…see you next week!

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