Project Runway: The Straight Guy Perspective (S14, Episode Twelve)

Edmond14
by Andrew Osborne

One day after Marty McFly and Doc Brown popped in for a visit from 1985, Project Runway travels back in time to Season Six for an episode set in L.A.  And naturally, the challenge involves creating red carpet looks…for Best Western (which, y’know, glamorous Hollywood celebrities pass all the time in their limos on the way to awards shows, so…glamour)!

Tim informs the Final Four they have two whole days for the challenge and a $400 budget…and it blows Kelly’s mind to spend that much on a dress, considering the Honda she drives to the deli only cost $500, and also because she is a precious ray of sunshine.

During a quick visit to L.A. Mood (complete with its own adorable little L.A. Swatch), Edmond apparently suffers a grand mal seizure and selects a print so garish even Dance Moms wouldn’t touch it, while Ashley is captivated by a fabric that changes color when you brush your hand against it…though, unfortunately, the color it changes to is pee stain yellow, making the poor model stuck in the dress made from it seem incontinent.

As for The Cuoco Chronicles by Anne Rice:  “Oh, look!  She’s picking black!” my wife exclaims, pointing the finger of mockery at our TV.

To be fair, Bram Stoker’s Cuocula accentuates her Goth gown with some cool webbing…but instantly spoils it by saying her model’s “going to look like she was dipped in heaven.”  Yes, those are words that were actually spoken aloud.

Then, glancing around the L.A. workroom Cuoco Lugosi notices Ashley’s having trouble with her pee fabric and sighs, “Maybe she can’t do red carpet” in her best Mean Girls “concerned” voice.

Because, yes, Ashley’s shame-spiraling again, claiming she’s tired of not believing in herself…though not quite as much as the rest of America’s tired of hearing it.

Meanwhile, Boston Kelly says she’s been sitting and sewing so long she needs a donut on her chair like an old lady, ’cause she never stops being awesome.

She also says she’s not really a long skirt person, so Tim advises her to…

…hey, wait a minute!  Is this still evil potty-mouth Black Lodge Tim?  WHY ARE YOU TELLING BOSTON KELLY TO MAKE A RED CARPET JUMPSUIT, EVIL TIM?  I swear, if you get my gal Auf’d….

…but wait!  Turns out Good Tim is back after all, ’cause my wife thinks the mod patchwork triangley jumpsuit thing Kelly ends up making is cool, so I’ll just take her word for it.

And then it’s down to runway, where I notice Edmond’s switched his black hat with the giant safety pin through it for a white hat with a giant safety pin…and I can’t help wondering:  does Edmond have two safety pin hats, or does he move the one big safety pin back and forth between the hats?  Inquiring minds want to know!

Meanwhile, Cuocsferatu says her heart’s jumping outside of her chest, because she is the undead and has no need of a heart.

Then Heidi intones, “Three people in this room will move forward to Fashion Week”…

…but somehow forgets to mention, “And one of you will almost certainly get Tim Gunn saved and also move forward.”

Anyway, first down the runway is Ashley’s model, in a pee-stained look for the MTV Music Awards red carpet, I guess.

Then comes Deli Kelly’s jumpsuit, and guest judge Christian Siriano arches his eyebrows even higher than usual, which seems like a good sign.

Next up, The Cuoco Lestat.  “Oh, look, a black dress,” my wife sighs before admitting, “it is very pretty, though.”

And finally, Edmond sends out his very shiny, very bad look.  He’s got spirit, yes he does!  But his bewinged ice skating color guard uniform is a flat-out disaster.

Gee…y’know who probably would’ve designed a better, more interesting red carpet gown than Edmond, Ashley, OR Cuoco?  (Hint:  it rhymes with “Zherline”.)

Anyway, the judges wind up loving the funky jumpsuit, which scores the Week 12 win…though seeing Nina finally acknowledge Boston Kelly’s talent is the real prize (and nearly as satisfying as Joan finally befriending Peggy on Mad Men).

Best of all, though, is the thought of Boston Kelly and her pals from the deli splitting the reward that comes with the victory:  100 free nights at Best Western, a.k.a., the most wicked pissah Bruins season evah!

Meanwhile, Let the Right Cuoc In learns she’ll be joining Kelly at Fashion Week, along with Ashley, who cries…with joy!  (But still…crying.  Everybody drink!)

And that means Edmond’s out, except

…Tim Gunn doesn’t send him to the workroom at the end of the episode (hint, hint), because…

…uh, well, I’m sure the editors just ran out of time.  Yeah, that’s it!

And see you next week for the season finale, with special guest star…THE DELI!!!

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