Project Runway: The Straight Guy Perspective (S14, The Not Quite Finale)

Big Gunn

Time for the almost-but-not-quite Project Runway season finale (part one), in which nothing happens that anyone with a frontal cortex didn’t see coming a week ago, and the best moment of the show ain’t nothin’ but a sandwich.

I’ll let the Tweets pick up the story from the point in last week’s episode where Edmond was “eliminated,” but then the credits “mysteriously” rolled before he actually went home…

– Tim Gunn save in T-minus…5…4…3…2…

What’s that, Tim Gunn?  You’ve decided to use your Tim Gunn save to Tim Gunn save Edmond?!?!?!?!?!?

OH MY GOD!!! Who ever would have seen this amazing Tim Gunn Save twist coming (except…y’know, everyone in America)?

Whereupon Heidi welcomes the designers back to the Runway and says…

– “The Final Four! I thought it was going to be a Final Three!” Oh, Heidi, just stop it.

Then she presents each designer with a $9,000 Fashion Week budget…

– But will Boston Kelly spend her $9000 on her collection…or 18 new 1997 Hondas?

Home visits!  First stop…San Diego!

– Ashley lives in a world of pink.

– The fact Ashley lives in San Diego simultaneously makes me like her more and less.

Why?  Because, on the one hand, it’s hard to live among the perfect plastic people of Southern California and feel good about yourself with a normal body, let alone a plus-size one.  But, on the other hand, you live in a beautiful house with a nice family (and a tiny little super-cool grandmother) in freakin’ sunny, gorgeous San Diego, Ashley…so maybe save your tears for people who have to live alone in, like, Buffalo!

But anyway, so Ashley’s family asks Tim Gunn to help them whip up a traditional Mexican meal, and…

– I’m guessing this isn’t the first time Tim’s worn an apron, but it IS probably the first time he’s made tortillas.

Next stop:  San Francisco!

– What’s that? Black clothing on a foggy grey beach? Time for Candice’s home visit!

– Tim’s wearing his casual beach suit…

…as he meets Couc Chocula’s daughter (named सच्चिदानन्द or something like that) along with her son, Logan, who gives Tim a rock, and…

. Okay, I’ll admit it. Son of Cuocula’s pretty damn cute.

As for the Queen of the Damned’s work-in-progress collection…

– Immortal existence has provided the Cuoc Lestat with some pretty cool ideas.

Then it’s time for the home visit America’s been waiting for as Tim heads off to…

– Wait…Springfield? Springfield Kelly? Uh, well, sure…I’m okay with it.

And what’s Springfield Kelly’s inspiration?

– Studio 54 + New Wave street wear = YES!

– “It’s so Xanadu” says the wife. “I love that she owns her tackiness.”

– “I wonder if they’re gonna go to the deli?” says my wife, echoing America.

But first, we have to meet the family, a.k.a. Team Fanny Pack, including an aunt who seems like a tiny, wizened, white-haired version of Kelly (with basically the same voice, as if her niece is ventriloquist-ing her).

– I’m not even gonna pretend I want anybody else to win.

Then, finally, we reach the…

– DELI!!!!!!!!!

– Tim has his own sandwich! And “of course Kelly’s boyfriend is named Dougie and wears camouflage shorts” says my wife.

Finally, Tim swings down to Atlanta to see what Edmond’s working on.

– “Very Dynasty” my wife says of Edmond’s collection. “I see a lot of Joan Collins in his stuff.”

As for the showstopper he’s planning as the final piece in his runway show…

– Um…Edmond…there might be someone else in the competition planning a giant black gown!

Then we meet Edmond’s charming family and see some old family snapshots, and…

Based on photographic evidence, Edmond’s father spent the ’70s as a private dick who was a sex machine to all the chicks.

Then it’s back to New York, where all the designers are very happy to see each other, and y’know what?

– I like a nice Final Four, and these are three very nice people and a very nice vampire.

But just as the designers get back to the workroom to put the final touches on their collections, there’s a “twist” — they have to make an extra look!  Omigod, you guys!!!

– This extra look challenge is blowing the minds of everybody who’s pretending they never saw the show before.

Then Edmond finally unpacks HIS crazy black Goth dress and…

– Cuocula just gave Edmond the “Bill realizing Eric had sex with Sookie” glare.

And Edmond’s also got some Ashley-esque and Kelly-esque pieces, too, because…

: Edmond’s using the Borg strategy: “I’ve got to be all three of them.”

But anyway…

– I think Edmond’s Goth gown out-Cuocs Cuoco, but my wife thinks it’s very Mary Todd Lincoln.

Meanwhile…

– Cuoco’s gigantic red dress looks fabulous, but my wife thinks it looks costumey. And once again, costumey = awesome.

And let me pause at this point to say that, later in the episode, when the judges get all bitchy about all the designers’ looks (thus creating the drama of the designers “saving” their collections, just in time for Fashion Week!), Nina tells Cuoc Shadows that her collection is too Alexander McQueen…i.e., basically the new version of “too costumey,” which is super annoying because it essentially means that anytime anybody tries to make anything more interesting or unexpected than a cute Just Fab! catalog dress, they’re gonna get slammed because, y’know, McQueen already did the whole “interesting” thing, so nobody else should try.  Grrr.

Anyway, back to the workroom as Springfield Kelly consults Tim about what three “preview” looks to show to the judges.

: “Maybe just show ONE fanny pack,” Tim tells Kelly, tactfully. The wife thinks Kelly’s look is very Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Then…OH NO!!!  One of Kelly’s dresses is stained!  But then Ashley shares this amazing futuristic invention called “stain remover,” so…

– Ashley just won herself a free Tim Gunn sub at the deli!

– Coming up…the Heidi sigh. Nobody wants to see the Heidi sigh.

Only trouble is…

: Wait…it’s almost 10:30 PM and nobody’s getting eliminated in this challenge, so…uh…what was the point of this episode?

Oh, right!  It’s so the Final Four can preview their collections…for the judges to poop on!

First up…

– Cuoco: Like the red, but mostly…HAT!!! Oh, such HAT!!! And the Senorita Dracula look is okay, too.

– Cuoco’s hat is awesome and receives signals from outer space.

Next…

– Kelly.  My wife says, “I like that pattern…the colors are so odd..” . My wife doesn’t like spangly blue top.

Followed by…

– Edmond: first look, good. Second look, super weird scuba. Third look, Cuoc-tastic.

And finally…

– Ashley: — eh, exposed bra. Second, hmm… Third: I kinda like the bustier, even though Ashley has doubts.

Whereupon the judges rip apart everything, but Ashley stands firm!

– You defend those flower crowns, Ashley! Defend!

– Did Edmond’s safety pin shrink during his critique? It’s definitely a smaller safety pin than usual.

And so, I guess we’ll all have to wait until next time to see the actual final runway show, except…

peeps! I’m gonna be on a plane next Thursday, so I’ll miss the finale unless plane = wifi & Lifetime, so see U 4 Oscars!

(Or maybe the Project Runway reunion!)

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