Project Runway: The Straight Guy Perspective (S14, The Actual Finale)

Runway14Finale

by Andrew Osborne

And thus, Season 14 came to an end in the totally self-serving — I mean TOTALLY BRAVE way it always intended to, with about 82 minutes of commercials, interspersed with crack-smoking judges and forever long crotch.  As timing would have it, I watched the whole thing on a westbound JetBlue flight…which was actually fortunate, ’cause at 30,000 feet (like in space), no one can hear you scream.

Once again, I’ll let the tweets tell the tale (minus all the workroom mishegas after the judges basically said:  “Okay, Ashley, you win…Kelly, go rent Boogie Nights…Edmond, whatever…and Cuoco:  stop with all your fancy-pants “ideas” and go make us some pretty mall clothes, dammit!).

And now…on to Fashion Week Stadium!

– JetBlue wifi finally connected, and all I can say is: Go Designer Kelly from the Deli!

– How awesome was it for Lexus to offer the designers…a ride to the show!

– Also, it was nice to see Swapnil in the audience (as opposed to a shallow grave behind Parsons School of Design).

RUNWAY TIME!!!

– Digging the Casio “disco” drumbeat for Kelly’s collection, which is totally hitting my Rollergirl sweet spot.

– Kelly may not win the competition, but she definitely wins best fanny packs.

Meanwhile…

– Edmond’s ruffles: keeping the backstage floors spotless!

Then Edmond’s collection hits the klieg lights and…oh, dear…

– Not crazy about Edmond’s Hefty trash bag gown.

I mean, I like Edmond, but his collection looks like a bunch of cats went crazy at Mood and came out dragging shredded fabric.

Then poor, de-fanged Cuoc of the Damned emerges, gamely trying to make the best of her sadly defanged collection.  But, on the plus side…

– Diggin’ Cuoco’s crazy skirt…and nice to see Son of Cuocula again!

– I mean, even scaled-down Cuoco’s not bad, but I’m sad we’re not getting to see what she would’ve done before the judges neutered her.

– But I’m a sucker for Goth, so I’d wear Cuoco’s stuff if I was a lady (except for maybe, y’know, the red camel-toe pants).

And then, it’s time for Project Runway (and all of Fashion, really) to proudly and bravely champion the plus-sized community by…y’know, having plus-sized models walk the Fashion Week runway for the first time in 14 seasons.  Because:  brave!!!  (I’m so proud of them!!!)

Except…um…

– Can I say Ashley’s collection looks like a bunch of sad nightgowns without offending the plus-size community?

– And did Ashley kill and skin Bing Bong from Inside Out for her final gown?

– Not that it matters, since they pretty much decided Ashley would win from day one…but my rankings were: Kelly (or, y’know, Merline) #1, Cuoco #2, Ashley #3, Edmond #4.

Then, back to the JudgeWay, where Heidi says:

“I really want you to cherish the memories of your first NY runway show for all the rest of…these introductions, ’til we start bagging on your looks.”

Also…

– The judges really, really, liked the way Kelly really, really had a really good runway show. For real.

And, indeed, it seemed pretty obvious Kelly was the one they all would’ve voted for if they hadn’t gotten the memo from the producers about, y’know, how brave they were all gonna be this season.  (SO BRAVE!!!)

Then Nina pats Cuocsferatu on her little vamp head and says:

– “See?  That was still a very edgy collection, Cuoco…but the kind of edgy I like. Y’know…the not so edgy kinda edgy.”

Followed by Heidi’s query:

: “Candice, why should you win? Just kidding. We’re not giving you the win.”

So, The Cuoc Lestat goes out fourth, Edmond takes bronze, and the judges remind Kelly how amazing she’s been all season, how positive she was, how much she listened to them, how much she’s grown as a designer, and how awesome her collection was…

…and then…

— Well, that was pretty frickin’ anti-climactic.

– Okay, well, congrats, Ashley…NOW STOP CRYING!!!!

(And see y’all for next week’s stitch’n’bitch post-mortem!)

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